ya better shape up.

It is almost the new year and everyone knows what that means, new beginnings and new adventures.  I am usually not one to make resolutions for the new year, but I think this year I will be making an exception.  It is high time for me to start focusing on myself and shape up.  I am talking about physical, emotional, and spiritual renewal and rejuvenation.  Nothing can make you feel more alive than knowing you are strong in every aspect of your life.  Whether that's flexing your biceps or your spiritual muscles, I am ready to put myself completely first without doubt or justification. 

Life is a whirlwind of laughter, regret, tears,and pure joy so why not experience all of those things in the best version of one's self.  I let things get me down just like the next person, but I hereby refuse to let someone else's business cause me unnecessary pain.  This year I want to further discover more about myself, what I truly want from others, and what I want from myself.

It's time to eliminate processed foods, ugly thoughts, and negative energy and get ready to start climbing to the top of self purity and cleansing.

what you wanted isn't what you want?

Sometimes things come across our path for a reason and sometimes we try to put things into a mold and force the edges to fold when they never will.  What if what you thought you wanted isn't what you wanted at all?  Maybe you thought you wanted someone to do things with and have a relationship with, but when it all starts to fall together you secretly hope it all falls apart.  When to give up and when to give second chances?  When you know something is good for you it's easy to try to force yourself into that way of thinking whether it's giving up bad habits like quitting unhealthy relationships with people, male or female. 

All of this has got me thinking that sometimes it's easy to know what you should want, but more difficult to actually resign yourself into it...emotionally or physically.  Are we always trying to put a smile on and do what we should while clenching our teeth?  Are our hearts aching for something to feel real and oh so true while our brains are trying to show us something else? 

Maybe we need to go it alone and take the long road back to recovery without the help of someone else or at their expense.  I am still so broken to be acting so brave, I need to let my walls down but only after I'm strong enough to scale them.  My heart and mind are so uncertain of the same things, my insides are mangled with what I should feel and what I truly do.

great expectations?

There is nothing worse than people not living up to your own expectations, whether that is a family member, a friend, or some one you are romantically involved with.  Why is it so hard to accept things that disappoint us and just move on?  People let you down when you least expect it, but why is it so hard to look past everything and let go.  Are we all guilty of putting people on pedestals then get mad when they crumble to be just like everyone else? 

Probably the worst kinds of situations involving this are romantic relationships and close friendships, whether that's past or present.  People change and circumstances change, but how does that make the situation any better?  Just a hint, it doesn't.  Even if you know something was never supposed to work out or be the way you once thought, does that make it any easier to swallow? No, it sure doesn't.  Nothing is worse than trusting someone with your heart and inner self, just to have it repeatedly stepped on.  Do we ask too much of the people we trust or are we simply trusting the wrong people?  Are we creating patterns that can never be broken or are we simply tolerating less than what we deserve? 

Have we just been dating the same guy over and over or have we been tolerating so much of the same issues that it sets a pattern?  Who is to say for sure, but the one thing I do know is that one day in the future I will be able to break my pattern and not have to settle for less than what I know I deserve.  I deserve someone who is a gentleman, kind, articulate, intelligent, and loves me without strings.  Have we been over looking and justifying everything that we know deep down is a red flag or have we just had a run of bad luck?  No idea.

Are we projecting such factitious and great expectations upon the ones we get close to or are we meeting the wrong ones?  I think it's probably a combination of both.  By assuming someone will jump in and rescue you, you are inferring you need rescuing...ridiculous.

Life isn't a fairy tale, but we can all live happily ever after...even if we get disappointed along the way.

right where it hurts.

Tonight one of my co-workers ultimately made me feel stupid for moving away from everything I've ever known.  Essentially it was something to the effect of well how are you going to meet people?  There were other comments and I eventually walked away from the conversation feeling terrible.  I don't need some punk at work who doesn't even know me to tell me I'm all alone.  Part of me wanted to burst into tears while the other part of me wanted to round house kick him in the mouth. 

Do I regret moving to Atlanta?  Of course I do sometimes especially with Thanksgiving this week and my mom calling to ask me how I always brine the turkey the night before or what I put in my cranberry relish that makes it the best, but then I think about everything I've learned about myself and there is no other way I would be me without all those challenges.  I feel like 5 years worth of struggle has happened since July and I can't believe that I made it through all of that and came out on the oother side as a stronger more aware me.

There are many misconceptions about this whole experience and I want to clarify some of those.  Some of my friends think that it's easy to meet people in a new city when you don't know a single person, like that I must be out making friends at the club or a bar.  I'm sorry but when was the last time you met a semi decent person at either one of those places when they didn't actually come with you?  Not to mention I highly doubt meeting coy girls or trashy guys will deeply affect my life to my benefit.  I mean really?  Then there's the church/volunteering idea, while I think this is more promising than the bar concept, I work in retail.  This means that I never get weekends off, two days off in a row, and work evenings a lot of the time.  I could see myself volunteering at a pit bull rescue, but I can't even watch the ASPCA commercials without crying, so I'm pretty sure I'd open a dog pound in my apartment if I tried volunteering...awful idea.

I am not writing this to sound pathetic and pull the sympathy card, please do not misunderstand me.  I am saying all this so that the next time you think you understand, think again.  I know this seems like a big mess of complaining and I get that but I'm just trying to describe how I feel.  The pain of feeling alone is greater than most people realize.  I say that because our society as a whole can't handle being alone.  We are constantly seeking the attention of others and their compnay even if it means staying in an unhealthy relationship instead of being single for a while.  I use the word alone and not lonely because I love myself and for the most part know who I am, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't love to have friends to hang out with when I'm not working.  I don't want to be a work obsessed crazy person, but right now until something changes that seems like a nice thought.

So, even though my co-worker got me right where it hurts, I know that no matter what I am a strong, smart person who is determined to prove everyone wrong.

biology.

It seems ironic to me that as much as we as human try to detach from our biologic roots, the more we are actually mammals.  I know this probably sounds strange but I'm talking aobut real life here people.  For example, my younger sister called me earlier this evening because she's fighting with her beau and feels like he is pulling away.  Me being a deep thinker and slightly ridiculous, thought more about it.  Men pull away because it's survival and women cling for the exact same reason.  Sperm and cheap and eggs are expensive.

Yea, I know, it sounds weird again, but stop and think about it.  Sometimes, men seperate themselves from relationships because they are hard wired to move along and procreate and not attach to just one woman because if they did how would we have evolved out of the cave.  And of course this coin has another face, women attach because they have to in order to be good well rounded mothers.  Its like the reason why scientists say most women can multitask while men struggle.  In order for a woman in primitive society to be productive and organize a village, she had to raise children, sew, gather, and cook.  Can you imagine a man doing all that? That's what I thought.  Even our physical attraction to a person is biologically driven, for example men like big breasted and full through the hips.  Why is this?  Breast feeding children and childbirth.  Just like how woman are drawn to men with strong physiques, it's the same thing, survival of the species. 

As much as we try to escape biology and the needs of our body and brain we can't.  Just like how after sex a woman's brain releases chemicals telling her to attach and the man's does the opposite.  My dad always said when I was growing up that when it comes to sex guys always ask where? while gals are always asking why? 

We are constantly trying to decode the opposite sex, when maybe we need to look back through history and seek the root cause...the human body and darwinism.

not always what you think.

I am a planner, everyone knows that but sometimes things happen in your life and morph into something you never thought possible.  So what do you do?  Do you overlook the change and keep looking for what you thought would be there or do you adapt?  Darwinism would say that one must adapt in order to survive and I believe that's true.  John Lennon once said, "Map your life out, but use a pencil."

Sometimes a good decision at the time can in turn into something messy, but then on the same token a bad situation can morph into something that becomes incredible.  When I left Tennessee in search of something I was missing: independence, change, employment, and self determination I never thought that it would look the way it did.  My imagination got the best of me, I loved the idea so much that I overlooked all the other parts to my puzzle.  Many of us do the same thing with other scenarios and relationships. The whole thing was disastrous at first and I regretted everything about what I had left behind.  However, once I realized that I had to embrace all the change and stop looking for what I thought I would see, everything became clear.  Hindsight is always 20/20.

I can have it all, it just may not look the way I thought it would.  Once those rose colored glasses are off, everything is so transparent.  The perfect job, the perfect relationship, the perfect apartment, the perfect life. 

Do I have the perfect job? No, but it's perfect for this part of my life story and this particular chapter.  Am I in a perfect relationship?  No, but she's a pit bull terrier and lights up when I walk in the door.  Is my apartment perfect? No, but it's perfectly safe and in a nice location.  As for the last one, of course my life is not perfect but it's imperfect and that is perfection itself.

So, when you start seeing things for what they are and not what you thought they'd be the appreciation value goes up.  This applies with relationships too because when you are expecting a person to fit a certain mold and they don't it is all too easy to see the corners that don't match up instead of embracing the very thing that sets them apart.  It's like the first time your best friend dissappoints you, you can either toss them out when the rain comes or accept that flaw and love them anyway.  Snow Patrol said it best in You're All I Have on the Chasing Cars album, 

You're cinematic, razor sharp
A welcome arrow through the heart
Under your skin feels like home
Electric shocks on aching bones

That's it, imperfect becoming perfection in it's own way.  Once we wake our minds, eyes, and hearts to the truth and not what we thought the truth would be, it's all clear.

"Love the life you live, live the life you love." -Bob Marley

little things.

Happiness for me is in the simple things that end up mounding into a pile of big things.  I'm talking about crunchy leaves under your soles, fresh flowers, a wet nose to come home to, a home cooked meal, laughter, dancing around your apartment in your socks, a warm bubble bath, phone calls from loved ones, the smell of lavendar, an old picture, a glass of sangria, Christmas morning, singing like you are Aretha Franklin with your hairbrush, and all those other things you thought were unimportant.

I never want to be so determined to make it to the next corner that I forget to enjoy the street, but it seems many of us are always overlooking the little things.  Life is not a destination it's a journey, so let's start looking right in front of our eyes and not off in the distant hills.  The present is a gift afterall, that's why it's called a present.

like a john mayer song.

I want love, real consuming, impossible love; this I know for sure.  But how many dive into relationships and even marriage without understanding themselves or knowing what they really want.  I want to fall in love and be thrown into something I've never felt, but the fear of becoming like others I know is frightening.

I have a friend who got engaged and married in a short period of time (6 months ) and is now dating someone else because her marriage crumbled and she hopped along to the next guy within 2 short months.  Do I think she cares about this new guy?  Absolutely, that is not the issue.  I just worry that when something fails you have to look back at the situation, examine it, and learn to change your behavior to avoid that same problem from occurring again.  I am not trying to pass judgement, just saying that maybe time heals some wounds and allows your mind to be clear.

On the other hand, I have another friend who seems to have lost her own opinion and thoughts and replaced them with her soon to be husband's.  All of this seems foreign to me, partly because I understand what compromise is whether that is involvement in a romantic relationship or a close friendship, but I can not understand how selflessness can be replaced with nothingness.  I love this girl dearly, but my heart aches seeing her replace her feelings with someone else's especially before the marriage has even started.

I don't want either of these situations, not that there is anything wrong with either, just that they are not what I want for my life.  Elizabeth Cady Stanton once said, "self development is a higher duty than self sacrifice."  I think what she meant was that if you work on yourself and are the best version of yourself, then everything will work out without you having to give up on who you are or what you believe.  Like my idol Carrie Bradshaw said in the last episode of Sex and the City, "Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

Maybe by being the best me I will be able to give that to another person and perhaps they will love that version of me without wanting me to sacrifice so much of myself that I no longer recognize myself.  I feel like this can mean different things for different people but for me it means loving myself.  This includes being confident in the person I am in all aspects, physically and emotionally.

How do you give yourself to another person if you don't know who you are?  I just want my life to be like a John Mayer song; melodic, intoxicating, and meaningful.  He said it best...
You can't love too much, one part of it

I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me
 - John Mayer
Heavier Things, Wheel

family ties.

I am so blessed in so many ways and I think I am realizing what really matters.  People matter and honestly nothing else.  My family and friends are my lifeline and without them I would be lost body and soul.  I realize that others may not have this relationship with their relatives or chosen family but maybe that says something about where we are headed as a people.

Our society spends so much time trying to get ahead at work, put money in the bank, and rushing from one problem to the next but at what cost?  What are we sacrificing or putting off in order to "get ahead"?  We have become so consumed with looking around the next corner that we can't see the street in front of us.  Many diverse groups raise their children as a whole and look after each child as if he/she was their own flesh.  That is what we are missing, the very sense of community in its purest form.  Take the Amish for example, in their culture every family eats together, attends church, and even raises a barn in an afternoon if one member of the community needs it to be done. And when their parents get too old to live alone, they build an annex onto their house for them not out of guilt, but respect.  I realize that they are religiously tied to their ideals and sense of community but I think we could all learn a lesson from them.  They are just one example, there are others in every corner of the world.

Maybe we all need to take a breath, love each other, and spend time together instead of working so much overtime.

are we empty?

In this day and age it's easy to get consumed with this world and everything in it. As an individual we are constantly trying to find ourselves and to most Americans that means attempting to fill a hole either with drugs, alcohol, food, material objects, medication, or even sex.  Has our country always been this way or is this a new problem or has it simply been masked through past generations?  Is this similar to homosexuality where people have been experiencing it throughout history but just kept quiet or is this a recent problem?  Are we so consumed in technology and so busy that we can't self examine?

I'm half way fascinated by this issue, partly because I'm religious and believe in a higher power but partly because I consider myself to be a person that is always willing to learn more about anything.  I realize I am quite young and have little wisdom in this issue but it seems to me that we are always looking outside of ourselves for everything including self fulfillment.  Although that goes against natural logic it seems to be how we deal with these situations.  For example, a person struggling to find meaning in a marriage often looks outside the relationship for meaning though this makes little sense and usually ends up fatal for both parties.  Just as an alcoholic, junkie, or over eater begins the addiction because they feel good, then need more of that substance to feel that way, then consume more in order to cope with their addiction because they are unhappy about it.  We are constantly looking outside of the body and soul to fill a need that lies within.  Why is this such a popular practice?  Is it because it seems easier than looking inward and maybe recognizing some faults that are unattractive?  I think perhaps so.

I also believe we are so consumed with noise that we are unable to tune into much of what we should be listening to.  We watch so much television, text instead of call, and are constantly e-mailing that we are so dependent upon technology.  Please do not misunderstand me, I love all of those things but maybe if we all took a little time away from them and enjoyed silence we would be better off.

Many other cultures view the self as the beginning of all things, that by looking inward where GOD lives that we can feel whole and realize what needs to be changed in order for GOD to grow and us as individuals be compromised.  Maybe if we slow down and stop trying to keep up with the Jones family we will be able to hear our inner voice and less of those roaring out of our cell phone.

change is a good thing.

So, a lot has changed since I last posted.  First of all, I got offered an awesome job and I start on October 4th.  Maybe all the hell that I went through when I first moved down here to Atlanta will pay off.  I also seem to be moving out of my depression slump and into a state of inspiration and organization.  I think I may even look into organizations to join to get me out of the house and into the public, yes this is progress for me.  I am a major homebody, not in the strange bed sore way but in the perfection organization way.  There always seems like there is something to move around or clean, but maybe all of that can wait for a while.

Also, I recently got some satisfaction from one of my former flames.  Every girl has one, you know the guy that breaks your heart, causes pain with lies, then dates a girl in your circle of friends, shoves it in your face, then doesn't have the time to even acknowledge that you exist, and causes drama for you when you clearly aren't in high school any longer.  Well, mine did all of the above then some so today when he contacted me via facebook I was surprised to say the least.  Not only have I not spoken to him since January, but he just got married last week to the girl he was spending time with when he was still calling me on a semi-regular basis when we were "working things out".  What did he have to say you may ask? He had two things to discuss...he apologized then asked for my help, well actually my dad's help to get him into active duty.  Yes, you read that right, he only half apologized in reality and over 8 months late with strings attached. 

My response was witty and probably partly uncalled, but you know life is too short for people to think they can walk all over you like you don't matter.  People and their feelings, time, and actions are not disposable.  I am not someone that is going to just lay down on the tracks and wait for the train to blow through. Think again.  But in the end, I am not a hateful person, do not wish ill feelings on anyone, but that does not mean that I am going to sit back and let you expose and manipulate my weakness.  Sorry, but I am not an idiot, and believe it or not since you (my ex) I have heightened my radar on douchebag.  Shoutout to my friends, Rachel, Hallie, Linzie, and Megan who understand and laughed with me at my response.  Nothing like getting your life in order and loving your life to be the best revenge possible.

So, needless to say things in Atlanta are looking up and I'm all smiles these days.

revolution.

All of you that know me, know that I am completely captivated by The Beatles, heck I have a framed print of Abbey Road in my living room.  I was listening to some of their music like I often do and thought about change and our nation's current economic situation.  Our history as a country seems to reflect that when our citizens are unemployed and our government's infrastructure is failing us we rise up.  I'm not talking about radical concepts or unrealistic madness, just young people demanding more for their lives and existence.  The Beatles were far out that's for sure, but we need a revolution. 

We need for the arts to be born again in an age where everything is computer and technology driven.  We need to be teaching independent thinking to our young people with an emphasis on literature, music, and actually polishing a craft in its purist form.  I believe until our citizens feel intellectually attached to one another we will be filling ourselves with bigger houses, greater credit card debt, and even perhaps less of a fish swimming upstream.  I feel like we need a rebirth into the very core of ourselves.  We need to slow down and be captivated by nature, not always have to have a strict day planner, and read about issues we don't understand. 

The 1970s were a crazy time of rebellion within the young human spirit in this country who wanted more that what they were supposed to believe.  I do realize the drug culture was a HUGE part of this era and I do not pretend to fully understand it because clearly I wasn't there, however the point still stands.  Thinking independently and believing in something is really all it takes to start a wave of progression.  If you look back through history and every great change that took place whether that is women's rights or the civil rights movement, everything seems to happen during financial struggle or wartime or both.

I think we should stop swiping our credit cards and start visiting the library.  We as the young generation have been given many names and have been told that we are lazier than our fathers and don't know much, but that's ludicrous.  The problem is everyone wants change but doesn't want to be the one to do it.  I'm not suggesting we start selling our possessions and travel across the world in vans living off the land, but we can all start leading by example.  This means education in areas that are unfamiliar and opening your mind to things foreign.  My four loves, said it best.  Here are the lyrics to The Beatles song Revolution:

You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
But when you talk about destruction
Don't you know that you can count me out
Don't you know it's gonna be all right
all right, all right
You say you got a real solution
Well, you know
We'd all love to see the plan
You ask me for a contribution
Well, you know
We're doing what we can
But when you want money
for people with minds that hate
All I can tell is brother you have to wait
Don't you know it's gonna be all right
all right, all right
Ah
ah, ah, ah, ah, ah...
You say you'll change the constitution
Well, you know
We all want to change your head
You tell me it's the institution
Well, you know
You better free you mind instead
But if you go carrying pictures of chairman Mao
You ain't going to make it with anyone anyhow
Don't you know it's gonna be all right
all right, all right
all right, all right, all right
all right, all right, all right

marriage? oh yea. that thing that everybody's doing now.

Maybe it's just me and the small corner of the world that I live in, but it seems like EVERYONE is getting married or is already.  I realize that I just graduated college and that's what people do when they are "madly" in love with one another.  I said "madly" because I question the thoughtfulness of some couples to jump in and not get through the honeymoon, I think you're simply wonderful stage.

I also realize this whole post is my criticism because as we all know I am the perpetual single girl whose last two serious boyfriends got married to the girl they started dating after me, yes, true story.  Who is to say that if the roles were not reversed I would be telling you about my new wonderful husband. However I'd like to think that I've learned enough from failure to not jump into the deep end first, but once again who can be so sure?

All the wedding planning, dress shopping, cake tasting, invite mailing, and shower throwing mayhem has got me thinking about divorce and the huge commitment that is marriage.  Many of the people I know haven't even been with the one they're with for over a year before they have decided to take the plunge.  While I am so happy for my loved ones, I still hope they've thought about the marriage and not the wedding.  In our society it's easy to get caught up in everything for the moment and not think for the long run.  This is a marathon here people, not a sprint, so stop being Usain Bolt out there and start being more like Betty White.

Stop racing to the alter and start sauntering.

remember what your knees are for.

One thing I've recently discovered is that it's easy to say you are leaving something to God and another to actually do it.  I'm a control freak, everyone knows that about me.  Whether it's working in a group on a presentation, planning my day, or my relationships with the opposite sex, it's always the same with me.  I like to know what to expect and manage as much of my life as possible, maybe this is why prayer and relationships are my challenge.  I walk with God and I'd like to think that he waits by the phone for my call, but that's something I've been working at.
Through all of this scrambly mess with my move to Atlanta, I've learned more about myself in these past few months than I could have ever believed.  I've learned that no matter how hard I attempt to seal my fate, I need to leave the big and tiny things to a very powerful guy.  I need to continually work to not let my pride and OCD-ness mess all that up.  I've lost my job, although it was more of a resignation, and now I am back on the job hunt to find something to keep me afloat.  If it wasn't for my apartment lease I would already be at home in the remote corner of my parents backyard meditating with nature.  I went home for Labor Day and honestly forgot what it was like to drive down all the streets that I did when I was young and so green in everything.  Even though I haven't been in ATL long, it's kind of one of those things where you have to stand back to see back into something else.

I miss everything about home.  I miss the smell, the people, and even the things I thought I never would like the only stoplight in the county, etc.  But all of this aside and without complication, meditation and pray are saving my life and letting me loosen the grip I have on myself.  Life is so full of twists and turns and unexpected backdoors so it's hard plan for a dinner guest when you never know who it will be.  So I'm saying my prayers that something will come my way if I get on my knees, swallow my control, take a deep breath, and pray that everything works out, whether that is here in my lonely apartment or in my parents backyard.

I want it all.

Bob Marley once said, "Live the life you love. Love the life you live", but how do you find the balance between living in today's world and living in the world that you want?

The more life I experience the more I realize how grey everything really is.  From big, hard decisions to everyday small dilemmas it seems we are constantly having to choose one side or the other even though most of us would rather stay somewhere in the middle.  Everything from loving and letting go to moving on and holding on and all that lies in between.

Can we have it all?  Can you have a successful career and still have a social life?  Can you care about someone so deeply and not get your heart broken?  Who honestly knows...

But maybe, just maybe I can have my cake and eat it too and if nothing else I can bake it.

a dreamer? absolutely

Some people will say let your dreams run wild and that if you can dream it you can do it, but at what point do you have to reel your ambition in and accept your fate?

My whole life has been filled with dreams about how I want to live, where I want to live, what I want to do, and who I want to do it with, but it seems that no one told me how very hard everything would be to the deepest degree. Living alone has helped me realize what I want for myself now more than ever before.

I want an adventure, the kind with the unexpected twists and turns. I know and believe in my heart that GOD has a huge, wonderful plan for my life. The catch is just waiting to see the grand plan unfold. In my heart of hearts I know there is a reason I moved to Atlanta, even though I miss my family and all of my friends dearly. I love ATL and my apartment, but talking to people you love on the phone is not the same as them being completely in touch with your life on a day to day basis. I feel like I am out of touch with all that I love and I hate that. I hate being lonely all the time and having no one to talk to in person, but in the end there is a plan for me being here at this very moment.

I have HUGE dreams that I can barely be able to contain in this blog, but they are going to come true...eventually. I want to travel the world and see museums, parks, history, and native culture everywhere. I want to see it all and do it all with my camera and the ones that I love. I want to backpack across Europe and keep a journal of all the truly amazing things that I will see. I want to feel alive and feel like a bottomless pit of cultural knowledge that is never full because there is so much to learn still.

I want to run an eatery and be so creative with my food that people are inspired. I want people to feel comforted by dishes and yet always surprised. One of these days I will run a 60ish seat unique eatery with eclectic furniture and friendly staff.

Keep your dreams BIG but the love you give to others BIGGER.

clear waters...clear mind

Labadee, Haiti

Waiting on the Bottom to Fall Out.

People always say things will get worse before they get better, but how can you tell if this is the worst of it or if the bottom is waiting to fall out?

Moving to a new city alone is challenging to say the least, but there is also something so pure about the whole experience so far. Being away from everything you have ever known in a new zipcode really makes you evaluate everything that is real about the life you have been thrown into. Starting your first job fresh out of college allows you to see what you want from your life and how you can live for the future without forgetting the present. I don't like my new job, that's no secret, but the hope of having my dreams come true is the reason I am able to wake up in the morning with my brain spinning.

I am in love with food, techniques, and everything culinary related so that is the dream. I want to go to culinary school, travel and eat my way around the world, be healthy in my heart and soul, fall in love with a wonderful man, and eventually open an eatery.

I am not a patient person, so knowing I have to wait for all these things to happen is utterly obnoxious, but once again you have to do what it takes. In the end, whatever it takes is exactly what it takes.

So, while I am waiting and hoping that everything will work out, I'm gonna be cooking it up in my kitchen, walking my dog, and saying my prayers.

A city made by the sea, one of the most beautiful places in existence, I promise.
Ancient Mayan Ruins in Tulum, Mexico

patience really is a virtue.

Waiting can be the hardest part of anything and it seems to be even more challenging when you are relying on others. Not only do you have to sit and attempt to be patient but you also have to continue to go on as if nothing is bothering you whatsoever. I am not a patient person by nature, although not to brag I am trying to get much better on letting things happen without my interference.

This is a struggle among other issues of course. Operating on someone else's clock and waiting on them to call or e-mail you can be completely miserable in my opinion. I like to control my life for the most part in all senses. Call me what you will: obsessive, anal, predictable, etc. but at the end of the day I am a planner. I enjoy making lists and organizing everything whether those are my thoughts, concepts, or grocery needs. Yes, I know this in many ways leaves nothing to chance in my mind, but that's the way I like it for the most part.

All in all I know my list making self has to coexist with my somewhat patient self, but the battlefield is always changing slightly.

scrambly mess.

Sometimes when you put all of your eggs in one basket the handle breaks, and when it does all you are left with is a scrambled mess. It is what you do to clean up that mess that matters.

Taking a huge set back and turning it into a stride can be a challenge in itself, but when you start running again your arms aren't occupied. In many ways the best thing to do is start back at the beginning, that's the very best place to start. Trying again usually requires something inside and a drive to become better than you were before.

This may mean starting over in the simplest way or beginning again when everything seems broken. The trick is to take what you've learned and apply it to the future so your shoes don't get messy with icky raw eggs.

whirlwind of rushing

Sometimes it is often easy to get so consumed in what is going on around you that you can't stop and take everything in. I've recently just hit a major milestone in my life and ever since, things have been a complete whirlwind. I've been so busy doing the things I have to do and things that can't wait to get done, yet no time to enjoy much of anything. Can't a girl get a break? Maybe we spend so much of our lives getting ready and preparing for our life that we don't have time in our schedules to actually live it. In the madness of this world, there has to be time for a breather of sorts. A time when we can all sit back and enjoy all the small things that this world has to offer for what they are truly worth. Appreciating life and learning to live it are not always the same thing, but we have to find the grey area between the two and embrace the beauty in everything, big or small, rich or poor, intentional or planned.

it ain't over til it's over.

Today is my last day as an undergraduate student and boy does it feel overwhelming. I am certainly ready and excited to do something new and challenging. But at the same time at this time next week I will be preparing to say goodbye to all of my professors, campus, and more importantly dear friends. There will never be another time in my life where they will all be in one central location.

The past four years have deeply changed me. I have grown and changed more with every season and semester than I can ever recall prior to this time in my life. Through dissappointment, heartbreak, joy, self discovery, and the help of many I have become the woman I am now. Things have changed greatly since I was a freshman and first walked onto the UTM campus, but yet much has stayed the same. I am still passionate about people and trying to be the best version of myself possible.

College has helped me learn more about myself and my relationships with people. I can not believe that in a little over a week I will embark on another journey that will shape me even more. Though things are overwhelming to the 90th degree, everything is so exciting it is truly hard to be upset about this whole experience.

No matter what I do and where I go, I will always remember these past four years and the mass of memories made both good and bad.

everyday is a winding road.

Just as Sheryl Crow said everyday is a winding road, life is full of crazy ups and rock bottom downs. Having the ability to manage both, in the end takes much juggling and balance. Enjoying great days when everything seems perfect is easy for most, but when those days aren't so glamorous the gloves come off. Enduring those terrible days makes you appreciate those that are wonderful even more. So are we happy for the sake of happiness or happy simply because we aren't sad?

With two weeks left until graduation, most would think these last weeks are full of bliss.....for the record they are not. In fact I would dare to say that they are more hell-acious than ever, with their last minute papers, assignments, and approximately a million exams. Not to mention all the packing, last minute lunch/dinner dates with friends, and job searching so one can actually survive after college. Oh the joys of graduation...

On the one hand, how exciting it is to start a new chapter and set out on an adventure into the scary unknown, yet on the other because there is truly so much to do it is hard to fully relish in the accomplishment. Have I really worked so hard these past four years to be so bogged down in school work that I view graduation as more of a relief instead of a reason for celebration? But then again, after those last final exams are taken and all those boxes are packed you can bet to see me do a celebration dance of sorts.

College has been a roller coaster full of screeching halts and set backs but has also been a time to relish in the moment and throw your hands up. Having gone through the rough patches and days like today when all seems unbearable, makes me appreciate the days as a freshman when things were carefree and effortless.

People that say college is hard are understating greatly, but in the end it is all worth it because I've been promised an ice cream cake with my name on it.

love is all you need.

Living in the sun is a beautiful feeling. When you wear a smile it just seems that life is better and richer for you and the people in your life. But, what happens when you smile because it's expected and not entirely how you feel? Is that self preservation or merely self denial?

Maybe we put a wall up not only to protect ourselves but to also see who is extraordinary enough to climb over and rescue us. I am not implying that people need to be rescued but maybe by testing others we can make a judgment about our self. When you hand over your heart to some stranger on the street and it breaks you move on questioning how well you actually knew that person. But, when you let someone see the real you and get burned its more detrimental than ever. Letting someone see your insides and the core of your being is more frightening than anything else, so what makes the luck of the draw actually worth it? When you figure it out, feel free to let me know.

Protect your smile and never let others see you frown unless they love your insides. Chances are if they appreciate your core then they won't be the one making you frown. They can be the one to turn it around.

life is a highway.

It's been said that life is a highway, but life is really just a big adventure with twists and turns. Graduating college has been the scariest sharp curve in my journey so far. Although I do not graduate for another 3 ish weeks, I feel as if I am almost ready to get off at the next exit. Where my life will go, I have no idea. What I will do, who knows? Who I will become over the course of my journey, well I suppose we will see.

With all the change ahead it is easy to see how people end up going nowhere or staying in the same place. Making a life for yourself is about taking chances and adapting when things don't always work out. Relocating is sometimes challenging for graduates as well. Limiting yourself to one specific area is definately no way to market yourself and increase your opportunity.

I want it all. A successful career that I have worked for, a home to call my own, and a story that ties it all together. I want an adventure. You know what I am talking about, the kind you read in books or see on the silver screen. I don't want glamour or frills just a novel of experiences that will shape me into myself. I can not wait to see what lies on the other side of this very abrupt turn, but one thing is for sure. I will take in the scenery, explore the territory, and enjoy my journey for all it is worth.

when the petals fall.

For a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic.

I believe in few things: friendship, unconditional love, laughter, healing, beauty in the heart of all people, and inconvenient lasso-me-the-moon love (the kind you feel down deep). The troubling part is determining what is unconditional love where you deeply care about a person and the other kind you can't stop thinking about. Even so, can one kind ever turn into the other?

I know myself pretty well and these things I know for sure: I put everything I have into anything I do especially relationships, I wear my heart on my sleeve so it's easily broken, I attempt to guard my emotions but I am easily figured out, and I love everyone in my life. The dilemma for me is guarding my heart and letting love in at the same time. How to tell the authentic from the fakes? Impossible.

Friendship is a precious kind of relationship. The kind that in rare cases comes from common interests, even if that stems from a previously failed relationship with that person. But when you've been intimate with someone is it ever possible to just be friends and out of the grey area? In some situations sure, but in mine...not recently. Caring about someone in an extreme way isn't about wanting the other person to return the feelings, but down deep there is always the hope that something will happen. Recently, my best friend told me that she had realized I loved one of the guys that I had a failed relationship with. In my bones I knew she was right, but admitting it to myself would make it real and that would mean that my heart was open. How dangerous it is to be vulnerable to someone you have history with.

History is knowing everything that happened before and hoping that somehow things could be different under different circumstances. I know myself and I thought I knew him, but maybe in the midst of my emotions I lost the one thing I know about myself. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

There are few things I am sure of and most include love and recognizing it, but for now I need to keep my skeletons in the closet where I've buried my emotions