what you wanted isn't what you want?

Sometimes things come across our path for a reason and sometimes we try to put things into a mold and force the edges to fold when they never will.  What if what you thought you wanted isn't what you wanted at all?  Maybe you thought you wanted someone to do things with and have a relationship with, but when it all starts to fall together you secretly hope it all falls apart.  When to give up and when to give second chances?  When you know something is good for you it's easy to try to force yourself into that way of thinking whether it's giving up bad habits like quitting unhealthy relationships with people, male or female. 

All of this has got me thinking that sometimes it's easy to know what you should want, but more difficult to actually resign yourself into it...emotionally or physically.  Are we always trying to put a smile on and do what we should while clenching our teeth?  Are our hearts aching for something to feel real and oh so true while our brains are trying to show us something else? 

Maybe we need to go it alone and take the long road back to recovery without the help of someone else or at their expense.  I am still so broken to be acting so brave, I need to let my walls down but only after I'm strong enough to scale them.  My heart and mind are so uncertain of the same things, my insides are mangled with what I should feel and what I truly do.