great expectations?

There is nothing worse than people not living up to your own expectations, whether that is a family member, a friend, or some one you are romantically involved with.  Why is it so hard to accept things that disappoint us and just move on?  People let you down when you least expect it, but why is it so hard to look past everything and let go.  Are we all guilty of putting people on pedestals then get mad when they crumble to be just like everyone else? 

Probably the worst kinds of situations involving this are romantic relationships and close friendships, whether that's past or present.  People change and circumstances change, but how does that make the situation any better?  Just a hint, it doesn't.  Even if you know something was never supposed to work out or be the way you once thought, does that make it any easier to swallow? No, it sure doesn't.  Nothing is worse than trusting someone with your heart and inner self, just to have it repeatedly stepped on.  Do we ask too much of the people we trust or are we simply trusting the wrong people?  Are we creating patterns that can never be broken or are we simply tolerating less than what we deserve? 

Have we just been dating the same guy over and over or have we been tolerating so much of the same issues that it sets a pattern?  Who is to say for sure, but the one thing I do know is that one day in the future I will be able to break my pattern and not have to settle for less than what I know I deserve.  I deserve someone who is a gentleman, kind, articulate, intelligent, and loves me without strings.  Have we been over looking and justifying everything that we know deep down is a red flag or have we just had a run of bad luck?  No idea.

Are we projecting such factitious and great expectations upon the ones we get close to or are we meeting the wrong ones?  I think it's probably a combination of both.  By assuming someone will jump in and rescue you, you are inferring you need rescuing...ridiculous.

Life isn't a fairy tale, but we can all live happily ever after...even if we get disappointed along the way.

right where it hurts.

Tonight one of my co-workers ultimately made me feel stupid for moving away from everything I've ever known.  Essentially it was something to the effect of well how are you going to meet people?  There were other comments and I eventually walked away from the conversation feeling terrible.  I don't need some punk at work who doesn't even know me to tell me I'm all alone.  Part of me wanted to burst into tears while the other part of me wanted to round house kick him in the mouth. 

Do I regret moving to Atlanta?  Of course I do sometimes especially with Thanksgiving this week and my mom calling to ask me how I always brine the turkey the night before or what I put in my cranberry relish that makes it the best, but then I think about everything I've learned about myself and there is no other way I would be me without all those challenges.  I feel like 5 years worth of struggle has happened since July and I can't believe that I made it through all of that and came out on the oother side as a stronger more aware me.

There are many misconceptions about this whole experience and I want to clarify some of those.  Some of my friends think that it's easy to meet people in a new city when you don't know a single person, like that I must be out making friends at the club or a bar.  I'm sorry but when was the last time you met a semi decent person at either one of those places when they didn't actually come with you?  Not to mention I highly doubt meeting coy girls or trashy guys will deeply affect my life to my benefit.  I mean really?  Then there's the church/volunteering idea, while I think this is more promising than the bar concept, I work in retail.  This means that I never get weekends off, two days off in a row, and work evenings a lot of the time.  I could see myself volunteering at a pit bull rescue, but I can't even watch the ASPCA commercials without crying, so I'm pretty sure I'd open a dog pound in my apartment if I tried volunteering...awful idea.

I am not writing this to sound pathetic and pull the sympathy card, please do not misunderstand me.  I am saying all this so that the next time you think you understand, think again.  I know this seems like a big mess of complaining and I get that but I'm just trying to describe how I feel.  The pain of feeling alone is greater than most people realize.  I say that because our society as a whole can't handle being alone.  We are constantly seeking the attention of others and their compnay even if it means staying in an unhealthy relationship instead of being single for a while.  I use the word alone and not lonely because I love myself and for the most part know who I am, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't love to have friends to hang out with when I'm not working.  I don't want to be a work obsessed crazy person, but right now until something changes that seems like a nice thought.

So, even though my co-worker got me right where it hurts, I know that no matter what I am a strong, smart person who is determined to prove everyone wrong.

biology.

It seems ironic to me that as much as we as human try to detach from our biologic roots, the more we are actually mammals.  I know this probably sounds strange but I'm talking aobut real life here people.  For example, my younger sister called me earlier this evening because she's fighting with her beau and feels like he is pulling away.  Me being a deep thinker and slightly ridiculous, thought more about it.  Men pull away because it's survival and women cling for the exact same reason.  Sperm and cheap and eggs are expensive.

Yea, I know, it sounds weird again, but stop and think about it.  Sometimes, men seperate themselves from relationships because they are hard wired to move along and procreate and not attach to just one woman because if they did how would we have evolved out of the cave.  And of course this coin has another face, women attach because they have to in order to be good well rounded mothers.  Its like the reason why scientists say most women can multitask while men struggle.  In order for a woman in primitive society to be productive and organize a village, she had to raise children, sew, gather, and cook.  Can you imagine a man doing all that? That's what I thought.  Even our physical attraction to a person is biologically driven, for example men like big breasted and full through the hips.  Why is this?  Breast feeding children and childbirth.  Just like how woman are drawn to men with strong physiques, it's the same thing, survival of the species. 

As much as we try to escape biology and the needs of our body and brain we can't.  Just like how after sex a woman's brain releases chemicals telling her to attach and the man's does the opposite.  My dad always said when I was growing up that when it comes to sex guys always ask where? while gals are always asking why? 

We are constantly trying to decode the opposite sex, when maybe we need to look back through history and seek the root cause...the human body and darwinism.

not always what you think.

I am a planner, everyone knows that but sometimes things happen in your life and morph into something you never thought possible.  So what do you do?  Do you overlook the change and keep looking for what you thought would be there or do you adapt?  Darwinism would say that one must adapt in order to survive and I believe that's true.  John Lennon once said, "Map your life out, but use a pencil."

Sometimes a good decision at the time can in turn into something messy, but then on the same token a bad situation can morph into something that becomes incredible.  When I left Tennessee in search of something I was missing: independence, change, employment, and self determination I never thought that it would look the way it did.  My imagination got the best of me, I loved the idea so much that I overlooked all the other parts to my puzzle.  Many of us do the same thing with other scenarios and relationships. The whole thing was disastrous at first and I regretted everything about what I had left behind.  However, once I realized that I had to embrace all the change and stop looking for what I thought I would see, everything became clear.  Hindsight is always 20/20.

I can have it all, it just may not look the way I thought it would.  Once those rose colored glasses are off, everything is so transparent.  The perfect job, the perfect relationship, the perfect apartment, the perfect life. 

Do I have the perfect job? No, but it's perfect for this part of my life story and this particular chapter.  Am I in a perfect relationship?  No, but she's a pit bull terrier and lights up when I walk in the door.  Is my apartment perfect? No, but it's perfectly safe and in a nice location.  As for the last one, of course my life is not perfect but it's imperfect and that is perfection itself.

So, when you start seeing things for what they are and not what you thought they'd be the appreciation value goes up.  This applies with relationships too because when you are expecting a person to fit a certain mold and they don't it is all too easy to see the corners that don't match up instead of embracing the very thing that sets them apart.  It's like the first time your best friend dissappoints you, you can either toss them out when the rain comes or accept that flaw and love them anyway.  Snow Patrol said it best in You're All I Have on the Chasing Cars album, 

You're cinematic, razor sharp
A welcome arrow through the heart
Under your skin feels like home
Electric shocks on aching bones

That's it, imperfect becoming perfection in it's own way.  Once we wake our minds, eyes, and hearts to the truth and not what we thought the truth would be, it's all clear.

"Love the life you live, live the life you love." -Bob Marley

little things.

Happiness for me is in the simple things that end up mounding into a pile of big things.  I'm talking about crunchy leaves under your soles, fresh flowers, a wet nose to come home to, a home cooked meal, laughter, dancing around your apartment in your socks, a warm bubble bath, phone calls from loved ones, the smell of lavendar, an old picture, a glass of sangria, Christmas morning, singing like you are Aretha Franklin with your hairbrush, and all those other things you thought were unimportant.

I never want to be so determined to make it to the next corner that I forget to enjoy the street, but it seems many of us are always overlooking the little things.  Life is not a destination it's a journey, so let's start looking right in front of our eyes and not off in the distant hills.  The present is a gift afterall, that's why it's called a present.