all in time.

What you are comes to you. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

This quote is exactly where I am right now, waiting for it to all come to me.  I am just going to try my best to set myself up for happiness in my career and wellness. 

Its back to working out and pushing it so I can feel like myself again.  Ever since the move things have been weird, but that's about to change.  I will still be cooking and recipe testing as I always am, but in moderation and with the addition of more regular exercise.  Life is way too beautiful to spend it unhappy in your shell.  I need my full confidence back, I call that the wonder woman feeling.

I am also considering a job/career change.  As much as I adore my sweet coworkers, I need something else.  Working in customer service/sales is so stressful it makes my brain spin.  Getting paid to be a doormat to a person's problem and anger makes for a really long day and I want my weekends back.  It would be awesome to have two days off a week that are the same as everyone else, including the boyfriend and family.  I have dreams about what  it would be like to go home to Tennessee on a long weekend or make breakfast for my sweetie on a Sunday.  I am also looking for something that will get me in the door with the potential for advancement.  I also would like to work into something with holiday time off too, that would make me so happy.  How wonderful would it be to go home for Christmas?  The whole idea makes me want to cry honestly. 

I am not going to get my hopes up but in the end everything works out the way it is supposed to, it always has and I have no reason to believe that that would change.  I am just going to put myself out there, keep my eyes open, and say my prayers that whatever should happen will.  In the meantime I plan to love my life, treasure the time I do have to spend with the ones I love, and go in the way of my dreams.

Part of me believes that if I can get a job that is less stressful and more routine, that I would be about to spend more time on all of my beloved side projects....knitting, cooking, sewing, blogging, writing my novella, and anything else I want to do.  Those are the things that pump blood in my heart, and I can't imagine my life being complete without those things.  I am at a transitional stage and ironically its starting to become fall. 

Ohhhh chhhhanges...

four months ish really...

I can not believe its been nearly four months since I have written.  It seems like this time has just gone by without my knowing but yet so much has happened.  Where to begin...

I finally moved into the new house.  Even though I am still fixing and decorating different parts of it the whole thing has been amazing.  It has been like a huge weight has been lifted off me and now I actually have room to spread my wings.  I have over double the space, the serenity of a peaceful neighborhood, and a place I can truly relish in.  My house is painted just how I want it and I am in the process of hanging the remaining items on the walls.  Chloe also loves the new place.  Its amazing how wonderful it is to see her relaxed and not stressfully scurrying around.  I know this will help with the management of her disease as well and I love that. 

Since the end of April I have also been able to cease with the online dating fiasco.  All in all I had a lovely experience only filled with some awkward dates here and there.  I honestly hadn't met anyone I could think about seeing regularly until I did.  There have been guys with priority issues, no chemistry, and even the occasional wrist watch watcher.  I have been dating the same guy now for almost two months.  I think it's been that long, as one can see my time perception is a bit out of whack, but that's my best estimation.  He is a complete doll and is easy to be around.  I look forward to seeing him at the end of my week when our schedules allow and often find myself missing him when I know better than to this early.

I have also done a bit of traveling since I last put my fingers to the keys.  I went with family to New York City at the end of May for a week and it was amazing.  I am completely mesmerized by that city and still have the ambition to live there on a temporary 1-3 year term.  I would love the experience of living in a city like that and don't even batt an eye at how daunting that could become.  I mainly just want to be able to attend Yankee games and Central Park on a regular basis, but who can blame me?  I also recently got back from a week long trip to St. Petersburg (Redington Shores) in Florida with my mom and Blaine.  My parents bought a "beach" house there in April and it is truly a haven.  I say "beach" house because it is not on the beach per say, but the beach instead is across the street, terrible locale I know.  I really needed a week to recharge and it was wonderful doing nothing but the beach and reading all day from underneath a massive umbrella.  We also lucked out because the Yankees were playing the Rays while we were there so we went to three out of four of the games in the series.  I had a blast.  The best part of all this is that I have my own key to the beach house and it is only about seven hours from ATL, making it the perfect trip to bliss.  My new sweetie and I will be enjoying Labor Day there and oddly enough my parents will be there as well.  Here's to a couples retreat...

I also celebrated my year anniversary of living in Atlanta on July 4th weekend.  It was bittersweet of course.  I don't regret my moving down here and away from everything I have ever known, but somewhere in the back of my heart I thought I would be in a different place.  It is hard to believe that nothing has changed yet everything has at the same time.  I don't know where I thought I would be or what I thought I would be doing but it never works out that way.  Sometimes I thank GOD that it isn't the way I imagined...where would I be if I relied solely on my mind and wisdom, probably up a creek with no paddle.

All the little things along the way that seem pointless really do mean something in the end.  Afterall, like I always try to tell myself, all the little things are really big things in disguise.  Maybe, I dreamt I would be working for a magazine going on exotic field trips across the globe and writing for my supper.  Although that's my dream and I know in the very core of my being that I will one day be so unhappy with everything not concerned with writing that it will eventually provide a life for me, that day has not come yet.  I have to learn more, experience more, see more, love more, then maybe the universe will kick me a bone.  It's ironic how things are kinda like that...like all those battered and agonizing relationships I put myself through maybe have shown me what I deserve and how much I can give a person.  Maybe it's too soon to think all that, but maybe going "balls to the walls" as my sister would say is the only way to discover new depths in my career, relationship, well being, and soul.  In the end, well I will let ya know.

Every wall is a door. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

grey area.

I see most things in black and white and absolutes, but not my relationships with people.  People can't just be lumped into two categories.  There is grey area involved.  I am talking about loving a person deeply regardless of everything else.  Whether that person gossips too much, is having a child with someone you used to care about, isn't always reliable, or has more baggage than you do.  It is easy to write people off and out of your life because things get messy or don't look like what you thought they would, but that is no reason to stop caring.  
Grey area is gross and can sometimes lead to pain.  Whether that is from standing up for something or from backing down, depending on the situation.  But if you look at things in a black and white telescope you may miss the shooting star.  There is no guarantee with anything, and who would want it that way?  People may hurt you and you may hurt others, but if everyone played it safe would there be anything worth risking for?

Friendship is precious and unlike anything else, because it forgives.  You can't escape the blood of your family, but the bonds of your friends that is something entirely different.  Friendship is not something you ask for but something that is given because that kind of love runs deeper and purer than any other kind.  This kind of love doesn't make you blind to wrong doing, but instead lets you choose to forgive and accept if you must.  Sometimes when you feel lost in yourself, a friend is there to pick you up and bring you back when you forgot how truly fabulous you were.  It's calling someone when you know they've had a bad day and not quitting when they say they're fine.  True friendship is laying in a soybean field with your friend and spilling your insides about issues you would dare to speak to anyone else.  Remember, a friend is someone who knows you're smiling even in the dark. 

So why throw those people away when they disappoint you in some way and don't fit into one of two categories?  The people you love are not disposable, they should be cherished, because of course it won't all go the way it should, but in the end the very center of our existence, now that's good. 

Then, circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

-John Mayer



 

 

on the bench.

Yesterday, I scheduled a doctor's appointment and since I am a new patient I have all of this patient history blah blah blah to fill out about myself before my visit next Thursday.  Most of the questions were generic and about cancer, depression, blood clots, and other weird stuff that is until I got to the last section.  The last bit was about me and my relationship status.  No, I am not kidding here folks.  I had an arrangement of boxes to choose: single, married, living with partner, etc. SINGLE  The next one asked for the name of my significant other and since there was no box present that said see above answer and I couldn't leave the field blank I had to type the number zero in place of this handsome prince I was supposed to be dating/married to/living with.  I mean really?!  Some other questions asked how many times I exercised in a week and if I was a smoker or seat belt wearer.  Why am I always reminded of my lack of relationship?  It's everywhere I turn.  When I talk to people from home or work it's always, "Are you seeing anyone?" or "Are you meeting up with anyone this weekend?"

Give a girl a break, would ya?

The worst part of the whole thing is when you know you have so much love inside to give to someone but the risk of wasting it all outweighs the pain of keeping it inside you.  When your heart is ready to spill, there are few things that can keep all of that from being poured out.  Makes me think of the Hoover Dam.  For being a very outspoken person, love is what I try to conceal.  Every time I let it out it never comes back to me, but that reason alone is not why we love others.  Whether that is a father so insane with love for his young daughter or a friendship with the potential to be so much more.  People love for so many reasons and either explode or implode with that same emotion. 

Vulnerability is what makes us be like turtles hiding in our shells, but if we stay with our heads in our shell we will one day wake up and realize we are in fact in the same place.  What changes to let us open ourselves to the possibility of feeling out on a ledge?  I am honestly not quite sure, but I think that is precisely the idea.  Sometimes when we can't think about something anymore we realize we just have to feel it instead.

Whether in the end we are left to pick up the pieces of something we trusted was real or not is entirely up to us.  Just like from the movie Little Black Book,"Question how does a girl who falls, no actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged?  Answer, she doesn't." 

I want to tumble down a rabbit hole and wake up with no recollection of the pain it took to get me there.

In the end, aren't we all looking for this.  As my favorite Sex and the City character stated, "I've done the merry-go-round, I've been through the revolving doors, I feel like I've met someone I can stand still with for a minute.  Don't you want to stand still with me?"

But until then,

Been searchin' all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm lookin' for
I'll know it
When I see you

Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Stayin' up all night just to write
A love song
For no one

- John Mayer



 
 
 

cosmic connection.

Within my whole being I believe there are connections that we make with others that form us. Whether these connections build us up or tear us down; that helps us to either build stronger walls or lower our guards. The human spirit is an uncontrollable thing to attempt to meddle with control and the very thought of that is impossible. Sometimes you can just be drawn to someone whether that is because you empathize with their situation or you feel in your fiber that you need to understand the deeper feeling.

I feel this way about my family in the purest sense. Of course they are the blood in my veins and the song within my heart, in fact, I've always said that my little sister is like my insides. There is nowhere I can go where she will not also be, because I think no matter the circumstance you take the best part of a person with you always.
The older I get and more I realize about myself the more I know that sometimes people come into your life just to make it messy. People damage your world so you can pick it up and turn that struggle for life into utter triumph. One of the purest emotions is complete despair and all its kinfolk. This despair can create a huge divot in your soul, but there will always be a purpose and another element that will come and relieve your pain. When all is lost, much will be gained, it just may have a little bit of a waiting time.
Love is one of the truest forms of cosmic connection that still exists. That magnetic feeling that no word can describe because somewhere in your history of being on this earth you have never experienced anything quite as magnificent. Love just may be the last shock and awe we can look forward to.
Our country still has prejudices and hatred for our fellow citizens, our economy is still tanked, our world is still infested with violence and ignorance, our planet is begging for rejuvenation and renewal. The only thing that could have the potential to cure our sickness is pure love, respect, and education.
We should all feel cosmically connected to the universe, made by a Man that poured out his insides just for us to not feel intertwined.

the girl with kaleidoscope eyes.

We are all dreamers in a certain sense and all have wishes of our own, but when we make our wishes where do they go?  Do they follow us or just dissappate into nothingness or do they become part of us?  Cinderella once said that a dream is a wish your heart makes.  Sometimes we bury things that bother us deep inside thinking that they will go away and never resurface, but to think so is absurd.  In many instances these things we run from eventually become our demise.  By avoiding we let ourselves become swallowed whole.  I mention dreams because it seems that we push the very things from our hearts that we need to let in or we let in the very things we should be pushing away in hopes a certain dream.  Whether that is a "perfect" relationship or a "perfect" job.  I say "perfect" because if anything was perfect and utopic in nature than would we all be searching...

However, not all that wander are indeed lost.  No matter the circumstance or situation every single moment and breath is with great purpose.  Every bit of being is in relationship to a large more stategic scale, every time we meet somebody new, experience joy or tragedy, push ourselves more than we thought possible, or trust with our eyes closed.  All of these things are because somewhere in our journey as a person they must happen in order for something else to occur.  It's just like the saying, "Sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can come together."

The balance in all of this is realizing what you want and being bold enough to go after it, whether you are alone in your decision or in a larger group, whether it simply affects you or others as well, whether it will be painful or utter bliss; you won't know until you get there.

See the world in technicolor through a kaleidoscope where every turn is a whole and new picture more beautiful than the last.  And when you get there, let me know because I'm sure all of your wishes have found you.

So dream the big dreams, do the unthinkable and listen to what your heart is trying to hide, and for heaven's sake make a few mistakes along the way.

In the words of Bob Dylan: 
May you build a ladder to the stars,
And climb on every rung

too much in my head.

We've had a good bit of snow and ice these past few days here in Atlanta, which means I haven't been to work and I've basically been a shut in for almost three days.  I am not complaining because it has been great to not have to work and relax for a while, but I have been suffering from cabin fever.  Not that I am used to going out and doing a bunch of things in my free time, but not being able to made me want to just drive around and get out of my teeny apartment.  I love living in this city, but we all realize I can be quite the home body.  I don't mean to, but it is truly weird to be in a big, busy place and feel completely alone.  Before you start thinking I am ridiculously pathetic, don't.  Since I've been stuck in the house due to the weather, I've been pondering more than usual. 

I hate feeling this way and having literally no friends other than my co-workers.  And while I admit that I adore the people I work with, they aren't exactly people I would do things with socially.  I miss my friends and all my fabulous sorority sisters, and I think it is finally starting to get to me.  I try to stay busy with work which shouldn't be hard, but I want more out of my life here in ATL.  One of the biggest drawbacks to working in retail is the weird hours and different schedule every week.  I think I am too much of a planner to do this forever, I like routine and yes I realize how lame that is to say.

I hope one of these days I can finally get out of my head and stop feeling unsatisfied with my personal life.  All of this is so foreign to me because the last four years I have been surrounded by more people than I knew what to do with, and now the exact opposite is happening.  It makes me wonder...how did I get here?  How did I get to this place when I thought this was what I wanted?  I thought I wanted a fresh start and part of me is glad to have had just that but the other fraction of myself is crying inside. 

I know all of this will change when I move out of the apartment and into the townhouse in a few months, so I am trying to be patient.  Once we close on the property next month I know I will stay busy with cleaning it up and painting everything, but until then I am just going to have to man up and manage.

In the words of sweet Taylor Swift whom I can not stand, "you're tied together with a smile, but you're coming undone."

all the love in the world.

Sometimes people hide their heart whether that is from their family, friends, or the opposite sex, but why?  Is it self preservation or self destruction?  Most argue that by containing their emotions and never revealing one's true self that they are able to maintain a sense of poise and control.  But I believe pure, consuming love is the exact opposite.  Love is the act of complete wrecklessness and is anything but selfish.  Afterall, just like Thomas Aquinas said, love takes up where knowledge leaves off.  That being said, let's start losing our minds and opening ourselves to the possibility of something foreign.

Of course with everything most of us are comfortable jsut staying in our small predictable circle where everything is orderly and has reason, but what's to be so afraid of?  Everything.  I am just like the next person, I am terrified at the thought of letting someone inside my head, let alone my heart.  The idea of someone knowing all your teeny tiny intricacies and loving you anyways sounds like utter bliss.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. - 1st John 4:18

Maybe we all spend so much time trying to protect ourselves that we forget what we should be doing with our feelings because by keeping all of that love in not only are we driving ourselves, but the world as well.