Yesterday, I scheduled a doctor's appointment and since I am a new patient I have all of this patient history blah blah blah to fill out about myself before my visit next Thursday. Most of the questions were generic and about cancer, depression, blood clots, and other weird stuff that is until I got to the last section. The last bit was about me and my relationship status. No, I am not kidding here folks. I had an arrangement of boxes to choose: single, married, living with partner, etc. SINGLE The next one asked for the name of my significant other and since there was no box present that said see above answer and I couldn't leave the field blank I had to type the number zero in place of this handsome prince I was supposed to be dating/married to/living with. I mean really?! Some other questions asked how many times I exercised in a week and if I was a smoker or seat belt wearer. Why am I always reminded of my lack of relationship? It's everywhere I turn. When I talk to people from home or work it's always, "Are you seeing anyone?" or "Are you meeting up with anyone this weekend?"
Give a girl a break, would ya?
The worst part of the whole thing is when you know you have so much love inside to give to someone but the risk of wasting it all outweighs the pain of keeping it inside you. When your heart is ready to spill, there are few things that can keep all of that from being poured out. Makes me think of the Hoover Dam. For being a very outspoken person, love is what I try to conceal. Every time I let it out it never comes back to me, but that reason alone is not why we love others. Whether that is a father so insane with love for his young daughter or a friendship with the potential to be so much more. People love for so many reasons and either explode or implode with that same emotion.
Vulnerability is what makes us be like turtles hiding in our shells, but if we stay with our heads in our shell we will one day wake up and realize we are in fact in the same place. What changes to let us open ourselves to the possibility of feeling out on a ledge? I am honestly not quite sure, but I think that is precisely the idea. Sometimes when we can't think about something anymore we realize we just have to feel it instead.
Whether in the end we are left to pick up the pieces of something we trusted was real or not is entirely up to us. Just like from the movie Little Black Book,"Question how does a girl who falls, no actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged? Answer, she doesn't."
I want to tumble down a rabbit hole and wake up with no recollection of the pain it took to get me there.
In the end, aren't we all looking for this. As my favorite Sex and the City character stated, "I've done the merry-go-round, I've been through the revolving doors, I feel like I've met someone I can stand still with for a minute. Don't you want to stand still with me?"
But until then,
Been searchin' all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm lookin' for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Stayin' up all night just to write
A love song
For no one
- John Mayer
No comments:
Post a Comment