like a john mayer song.

I want love, real consuming, impossible love; this I know for sure.  But how many dive into relationships and even marriage without understanding themselves or knowing what they really want.  I want to fall in love and be thrown into something I've never felt, but the fear of becoming like others I know is frightening.

I have a friend who got engaged and married in a short period of time (6 months ) and is now dating someone else because her marriage crumbled and she hopped along to the next guy within 2 short months.  Do I think she cares about this new guy?  Absolutely, that is not the issue.  I just worry that when something fails you have to look back at the situation, examine it, and learn to change your behavior to avoid that same problem from occurring again.  I am not trying to pass judgement, just saying that maybe time heals some wounds and allows your mind to be clear.

On the other hand, I have another friend who seems to have lost her own opinion and thoughts and replaced them with her soon to be husband's.  All of this seems foreign to me, partly because I understand what compromise is whether that is involvement in a romantic relationship or a close friendship, but I can not understand how selflessness can be replaced with nothingness.  I love this girl dearly, but my heart aches seeing her replace her feelings with someone else's especially before the marriage has even started.

I don't want either of these situations, not that there is anything wrong with either, just that they are not what I want for my life.  Elizabeth Cady Stanton once said, "self development is a higher duty than self sacrifice."  I think what she meant was that if you work on yourself and are the best version of yourself, then everything will work out without you having to give up on who you are or what you believe.  Like my idol Carrie Bradshaw said in the last episode of Sex and the City, "Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

Maybe by being the best me I will be able to give that to another person and perhaps they will love that version of me without wanting me to sacrifice so much of myself that I no longer recognize myself.  I feel like this can mean different things for different people but for me it means loving myself.  This includes being confident in the person I am in all aspects, physically and emotionally.

How do you give yourself to another person if you don't know who you are?  I just want my life to be like a John Mayer song; melodic, intoxicating, and meaningful.  He said it best...
You can't love too much, one part of it

I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me
 - John Mayer
Heavier Things, Wheel