when the petals fall.

For a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic.

I believe in few things: friendship, unconditional love, laughter, healing, beauty in the heart of all people, and inconvenient lasso-me-the-moon love (the kind you feel down deep). The troubling part is determining what is unconditional love where you deeply care about a person and the other kind you can't stop thinking about. Even so, can one kind ever turn into the other?

I know myself pretty well and these things I know for sure: I put everything I have into anything I do especially relationships, I wear my heart on my sleeve so it's easily broken, I attempt to guard my emotions but I am easily figured out, and I love everyone in my life. The dilemma for me is guarding my heart and letting love in at the same time. How to tell the authentic from the fakes? Impossible.

Friendship is a precious kind of relationship. The kind that in rare cases comes from common interests, even if that stems from a previously failed relationship with that person. But when you've been intimate with someone is it ever possible to just be friends and out of the grey area? In some situations sure, but in mine...not recently. Caring about someone in an extreme way isn't about wanting the other person to return the feelings, but down deep there is always the hope that something will happen. Recently, my best friend told me that she had realized I loved one of the guys that I had a failed relationship with. In my bones I knew she was right, but admitting it to myself would make it real and that would mean that my heart was open. How dangerous it is to be vulnerable to someone you have history with.

History is knowing everything that happened before and hoping that somehow things could be different under different circumstances. I know myself and I thought I knew him, but maybe in the midst of my emotions I lost the one thing I know about myself. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

There are few things I am sure of and most include love and recognizing it, but for now I need to keep my skeletons in the closet where I've buried my emotions