I want love, real consuming, impossible love; this I know for sure. But how many dive into relationships and even marriage without understanding themselves or knowing what they really want. I want to fall in love and be thrown into something I've never felt, but the fear of becoming like others I know is frightening.
I have a friend who got engaged and married in a short period of time (6 months ) and is now dating someone else because her marriage crumbled and she hopped along to the next guy within 2 short months. Do I think she cares about this new guy? Absolutely, that is not the issue. I just worry that when something fails you have to look back at the situation, examine it, and learn to change your behavior to avoid that same problem from occurring again. I am not trying to pass judgement, just saying that maybe time heals some wounds and allows your mind to be clear.
On the other hand, I have another friend who seems to have lost her own opinion and thoughts and replaced them with her soon to be husband's. All of this seems foreign to me, partly because I understand what compromise is whether that is involvement in a romantic relationship or a close friendship, but I can not understand how selflessness can be replaced with nothingness. I love this girl dearly, but my heart aches seeing her replace her feelings with someone else's especially before the marriage has even started.
I don't want either of these situations, not that there is anything wrong with either, just that they are not what I want for my life. Elizabeth Cady Stanton once said, "self development is a higher duty than self sacrifice." I think what she meant was that if you work on yourself and are the best version of yourself, then everything will work out without you having to give up on who you are or what you believe. Like my idol Carrie Bradshaw said in the last episode of Sex and the City, "Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”
Maybe by being the best me I will be able to give that to another person and perhaps they will love that version of me without wanting me to sacrifice so much of myself that I no longer recognize myself. I feel like this can mean different things for different people but for me it means loving myself. This includes being confident in the person I am in all aspects, physically and emotionally.
How do you give yourself to another person if you don't know who you are? I just want my life to be like a John Mayer song; melodic, intoxicating, and meaningful. He said it best...
You can't love too much, one part of it
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me
- John Mayer
Heavier Things, Wheel
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
family ties.
I am so blessed in so many ways and I think I am realizing what really matters. People matter and honestly nothing else. My family and friends are my lifeline and without them I would be lost body and soul. I realize that others may not have this relationship with their relatives or chosen family but maybe that says something about where we are headed as a people.
Our society spends so much time trying to get ahead at work, put money in the bank, and rushing from one problem to the next but at what cost? What are we sacrificing or putting off in order to "get ahead"? We have become so consumed with looking around the next corner that we can't see the street in front of us. Many diverse groups raise their children as a whole and look after each child as if he/she was their own flesh. That is what we are missing, the very sense of community in its purest form. Take the Amish for example, in their culture every family eats together, attends church, and even raises a barn in an afternoon if one member of the community needs it to be done. And when their parents get too old to live alone, they build an annex onto their house for them not out of guilt, but respect. I realize that they are religiously tied to their ideals and sense of community but I think we could all learn a lesson from them. They are just one example, there are others in every corner of the world.
Maybe we all need to take a breath, love each other, and spend time together instead of working so much overtime.
Our society spends so much time trying to get ahead at work, put money in the bank, and rushing from one problem to the next but at what cost? What are we sacrificing or putting off in order to "get ahead"? We have become so consumed with looking around the next corner that we can't see the street in front of us. Many diverse groups raise their children as a whole and look after each child as if he/she was their own flesh. That is what we are missing, the very sense of community in its purest form. Take the Amish for example, in their culture every family eats together, attends church, and even raises a barn in an afternoon if one member of the community needs it to be done. And when their parents get too old to live alone, they build an annex onto their house for them not out of guilt, but respect. I realize that they are religiously tied to their ideals and sense of community but I think we could all learn a lesson from them. They are just one example, there are others in every corner of the world.
Maybe we all need to take a breath, love each other, and spend time together instead of working so much overtime.
Friday, October 1, 2010
are we empty?
In this day and age it's easy to get consumed with this world and everything in it. As an individual we are constantly trying to find ourselves and to most Americans that means attempting to fill a hole either with drugs, alcohol, food, material objects, medication, or even sex. Has our country always been this way or is this a new problem or has it simply been masked through past generations? Is this similar to homosexuality where people have been experiencing it throughout history but just kept quiet or is this a recent problem? Are we so consumed in technology and so busy that we can't self examine?
I'm half way fascinated by this issue, partly because I'm religious and believe in a higher power but partly because I consider myself to be a person that is always willing to learn more about anything. I realize I am quite young and have little wisdom in this issue but it seems to me that we are always looking outside of ourselves for everything including self fulfillment. Although that goes against natural logic it seems to be how we deal with these situations. For example, a person struggling to find meaning in a marriage often looks outside the relationship for meaning though this makes little sense and usually ends up fatal for both parties. Just as an alcoholic, junkie, or over eater begins the addiction because they feel good, then need more of that substance to feel that way, then consume more in order to cope with their addiction because they are unhappy about it. We are constantly looking outside of the body and soul to fill a need that lies within. Why is this such a popular practice? Is it because it seems easier than looking inward and maybe recognizing some faults that are unattractive? I think perhaps so.
I also believe we are so consumed with noise that we are unable to tune into much of what we should be listening to. We watch so much television, text instead of call, and are constantly e-mailing that we are so dependent upon technology. Please do not misunderstand me, I love all of those things but maybe if we all took a little time away from them and enjoyed silence we would be better off.
Many other cultures view the self as the beginning of all things, that by looking inward where GOD lives that we can feel whole and realize what needs to be changed in order for GOD to grow and us as individuals be compromised. Maybe if we slow down and stop trying to keep up with the Jones family we will be able to hear our inner voice and less of those roaring out of our cell phone.
I'm half way fascinated by this issue, partly because I'm religious and believe in a higher power but partly because I consider myself to be a person that is always willing to learn more about anything. I realize I am quite young and have little wisdom in this issue but it seems to me that we are always looking outside of ourselves for everything including self fulfillment. Although that goes against natural logic it seems to be how we deal with these situations. For example, a person struggling to find meaning in a marriage often looks outside the relationship for meaning though this makes little sense and usually ends up fatal for both parties. Just as an alcoholic, junkie, or over eater begins the addiction because they feel good, then need more of that substance to feel that way, then consume more in order to cope with their addiction because they are unhappy about it. We are constantly looking outside of the body and soul to fill a need that lies within. Why is this such a popular practice? Is it because it seems easier than looking inward and maybe recognizing some faults that are unattractive? I think perhaps so.
I also believe we are so consumed with noise that we are unable to tune into much of what we should be listening to. We watch so much television, text instead of call, and are constantly e-mailing that we are so dependent upon technology. Please do not misunderstand me, I love all of those things but maybe if we all took a little time away from them and enjoyed silence we would be better off.
Many other cultures view the self as the beginning of all things, that by looking inward where GOD lives that we can feel whole and realize what needs to be changed in order for GOD to grow and us as individuals be compromised. Maybe if we slow down and stop trying to keep up with the Jones family we will be able to hear our inner voice and less of those roaring out of our cell phone.
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