restart.

Let me preface this by saying that this post is not to serve as a rant, but is written for every woman that has been lied to, denied feelings, or been pushed a side and overlooked by anyone. EVER.

Long drives for me are the best way to clear my head and really think over issues that may be lingering, so today when I found myself driving that is exactly what I did.  This weekend when I visited my sister I couldn't help but think it was exactly what I needed at the perfect time.  Going back to my college town always fills me with such joy, but this time was different.  The college years were when I found out more about myself than I could have ever imagined and made the most memories of my life.

Today while I was stuck on I-40 headed towards Nashville I was suddenly overcome with emotion.  I'm an emotional person yes and generally always express my feelings directly, but today I started to realize all the ones I have tried to cover up and push down.  The sound "Shake It Out" by Florence and the Machine was playing and that's when it started.  The lyrics are powerful and Florence Welch may be my secret lyrical twin sister, ginger and all.
Here are the words:

Regrets collect like old friendsHere to relive your darkest momentsI can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of fleshBut I like to keep somethings to myselfI like to keep my issues drawnIt's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been a fool and I've been blindI can never leave the past behindI can see no way, I can see no wayI'm always dragging that horse aroundAnd our love is pastured such a mournful soundTonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the groundSo I like to keep my issues drawnBut it's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahShake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaahAnd it's hard to dance with a devil on your backSo shake him off, oh woah
I am done with my graceless heartSo tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restartCause I like to keep my issues drawnIt's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahShake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahAnd it's hard to dance with a devil on your backSo shake him off, oh woahAnd it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off
And given half the chance would I take any of it backIt's a fine romance but its left me so undoneIt's always darkest before the dawn
Oh woah, oh woah...
And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don'tSo here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my roadAnd I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hopeIt's a shot in the dark and right at my throatCause looking for heaven, found the devil in meLooking for heaven, found the devil in meWell what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahShake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahAnd it's hard to dance with a devil on your backSo shake him off, oh woah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahShake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahAnd it's hard to dance with a devil on your backSo shake him off, oh woah

I would never say I am a person with regrets because I look at every experience as a learning one, but I do have some things that I regret saying.  Having not said these things to the person they belong to has forced me to carry them around and let them eat at me.  Just like the song says, "Every demon wants his pound of flesh", and that is exactly want has been happening for over two years now.  Yes, two years.  Not any of this was intentional, but it seems the saying "time heals all wounds" is incorrect.  Time only helps once problems are exposed and addressed.  I have somehow let the past follow me and "I'm always dragging that horse around...tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground".

All of these unsaid words and emotions that I have been sweeping under the carpet are starting to make a visible mound.  My heart is so closed because of these experiences that I thought would heal with time.  It's funny how that works, I moved almost 6 hours away and my problems still followed me.  "But it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, So shake him off".  This is for any woman who has been wronged and angry with herself for doing nothing about it.  Not saying anything, not acting on anger or disappointment, saying she's fine when she's dying inside, and for any woman who has not stood up for herself when she needed to.

This is for you, best friend since age two:  You betrayed me and let me down then failed to recognize that I was crying out for help because you hurt me.  No, I don't want to catch up or take your call on my birthday.  You lost the privledge to know about my life when you wronged me.  I do not wish you or the love child that was created harm, but I simply wish to disappear.  Don't call me to talk about old times and how we grew up together and remained close through college, please refrain.  The pain of what you did is just as great as losing my best friend.

And to you Mr. All Greek Military Man:  Not only did I allow you to string me along for two full years but I allowed you to disappoint me over and over again.  Your excuses were good and believable, perhaps that's why you played me because I bought them.  You crushed me over and over and somehow I always justified it.  Not anymore,  you are a sad person who is emotionally unavailable to everyone you meet.  What a sad way to exist....yes, you are a pretty sorry person. Because when all was said and done you really are pathetic.  I didn't imagine any of the things you told me or the feelings you said you had, yet somehow you made me seem like I dreamt it all.  Not even an ounce of me wishes you well, nope not even a little.  

Then there's you Mr. Empty Promises High Rise Midtown Man:  You were short lived in comparison, I praise GOD for that.  Not only were you incapable of making decisions on your own you were always also incapable of being a man.  Yes, that's right I came out and said it.  Go ahead and dog ear this on Google Reader.  You were a liar and a fraud, I should have believed my father when he told me you couldn't commit.  Not only did you ask if you could send flowers to your ex girlfriend on her birthday, but you also asked if I would choose another baby name for the invisible children we were supposed to have.  Kudos to you because you had me good.  I'm sure your whole "Where have you been all my life?" gig will last for a few more pitiful relationships.  Enjoy being lonely and having to explain your empty promises.

I know I sound bitter, but in reality this is my rant to expose the feelings I have tried so desperately to conceal for everyone including myself.  The wounds and scars seem to roll over in other ways and make me unable to trust people.  I don't believe in male soulmates any longer, because if there is such a thing it would be sister.  The only person who always has my well being at the forefront.  I'm sure many worry about me posting this for the world to see, but really who reads this blog anyways?  No one, expect maybe you.

"So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road."  Here's to me loving myself and burying this horse that I've been dragging around.  Here's to me working on losing that last 7 lbs, learning French, running a half marathon, and researching on where to start my Masters.  Here's to the women that have been sad and angry with themselves for accepting less than they deserve from others.  Here's to you for burying your own demons and learning to dance again.  Here's to starting new relationships with anyone, even yourself without the shadow of the past hanging over you.  Here's to learning to trust and see the good in people while still keeping a watch over your heart and who you give it to.  Here's to a restart.