Strong at the broken places

I have a hard time believing that it has been nearly a year since I was last on here, but here goes nothin...

Recently it seems like everything has been broken and reformed.  I truly mean that in every sense, my body, my emotions, and relationships have all been broken and shaped into something else.  All seemed to be perfect and ideal in my little world, population one.  That was until of course it wasn't so perfect anymore.  I hurt the person closest to me through things that would force even a hermit crab to never leave it's shell for a brighter home.  You can always tell when a person emotionally becomes unavailable to you and seems stoic, but I never dreamed that I was the reason.  It pangs me even now to believe that I could have been so rigid and demanding that he would shut himself off to protect himself from me.  This is something I didn't realize until it was too late.

God works wonders everyday and perhaps that is something I had long since forgotten until the very next day He spoke directly to me.  With my head and heart in a million different places, I still found myself in church.  It was instantly as the message was given that I realized at that particular moment everything that I had become and how it had affected every relationship in my life from the one I lost, the one I had with my family, and even the one I had with myself.  It was during the messages that the leader discussed climate in relationships and the two types of ways people choose to deal with conflict.  Well folks you have conflict enjoyers and conflict avoiders.  It was easy for me to see which category I was in and that my nature forced the other party into avoidance.  My rigidness, lack of thoughtfulness, and selfishness did this.  He also spoke about how GOD leverages conflict for a happy ending and that is something I can believe in.

The following week I was back in church so eager to hear the next steps and be one step further on my journey towards being my true self, the self GOD had intended.  This service was amazing and more beautiful than the last.  Jeff Henderson talked about HOPE and how that will change your heart.  He discussed the steps to changing the climate in your relationships and that climate dictates the forecast.  It's amazing how such a simple concept can mean so much.  Hope pushes negative climate out whether that's bitterness, pessimism, arrogance, or what not.  Those feelings keep hope from entering our heart and crowd our relationships.  Next he discussed the steps to finding hope and driving negativity out.  It was like a revelation spoken from him just for me to hear.

Expectations:  This is where it starts.  We always tend to see things with some kind of expectation and all have an idea of what we want things to look like, then reality sets in.  For me these expectations included me getting my way in nearly everything to the point it would be hard for an outsider to see that I was in a relationship with another person.  I had my vision of everything and somehow the expectation that I would not have to compromise....ridiculous, right?! Yeah, I see all that now.  That expectation I had quickly turned to suffering because I lost the person I thought would never waiver, even though I brought this reaction on myself.

Suffering:  This is when I realized how much pain I could emotionally endure.  It's when the bottom of my basket fell and everything seemed completely impossible.  The feeling of being miserable forever, never feeling whole, and ultimately living a bleak life.  Jeff discussed that this is when you must trust GOD and be honest with Him about how you feel.  The idea of trusting GOD is the thing that really made me realize what my struggle was.  I was so busy trying to manage my life on my terms that I forgot about His plan for me and selfishly discounted it.  This forced me to micro manage everything small and pointless in my life, so I could feel some sort of satisfaction from it.  This came out in all aspects of my life, and was ruining any hope of peace for me.

Perseverance: This is the step where Jeff mentioned to just, "do the next right thing".  This is where I am at now, not saying that I am not still suffering because of the choices I made and people I hurt, but I know this is the only way for me to let it go and be hopeful.  By doing the next right thing you are letting GOD lead you.

Character:  This is the step you see in every Bible story, EVER!  This is the "Then GOD" moment.  When GOD shows up, grows you up, or does His shaping in you.  After this point this is when hope comes.

Hope: This is the goal.  That you would have so much Hope in your heart, that there could never be enough room for negativity to wiggle it's way in.  Hope that you can lean on GOD because He can be trusted.

Interestingly enough I still have so much to express about this journey I have been on for three weeks now.  Last week Andy Stanley started a new series and I was a little confused by the warm up to it, then it happened.  That point when I saw things so clearly it must have been waiting for me to see it.  The series is on the Age of Kings which ultimately was about all the rulers of Judah and Israel during the Old Testament times.  He was addressing the fact that each king arm wrestled with GOD and refused to let Him lead them during their reign as king which became their downfall.  He discussed who we all get so wrapped up with independence that we forget that GOD calls those into submission not for His sake, but for ours.  What a beautiful idea?! That GOD would love you so much that He would remove that burden from you.  Obedience was also something he talked about and so it seems this ties in with my area of real struggle.  Andy also explained that GOD sacrificed Jesus to us, so why would we think he would not sacrifice our wealth, relationships, etc. to get our attention on this issue.  GOD is knocking at our door not because He can't blow the door down, but because He wants us to open it.

Needless to say this has hit me like a ton of bricks and that just by knowing all this I can and am able to be better.  I have really taken this all to heart and have been working on my listening skills, my kindness, saying my prayers for GOD to have His way, and to not worry.  I recently saw an Oprah interview with the rapper 50 Cent and he said something that made a lot of sense to me.  He said, "Pray or worry, but don't do both."  I must be so trusting of GOD and His plan that I need not worry.  Even thinking about my life and my beautiful blessings I can now through new eyes see the events.  My moving to Georgia was no accident because He removed me at the ideal time and even my new job.  None of this would have been possible while working in the stress laden environment I left.  What a magical thing!

I know this has been long and I apologize.  I didn't write this in the hopes of anyone reading it, I mainly wanted to document the words swimming in my brain.  GOD is making a change in my actions, my feelings, and my heart and I don't want to be unable to recall this information.  As for the relationships, my family love me completely unconditionally and that is a gift.  I am working to improve and correct all the time when things should have been better.  Now about the one I lost,  time will tell.  Things aren't over for me and I have really been using this time to repair myself, work on my actions, and pray.  I don't want to forget anything because my feelings have not changed, but I want us to get to know each other again.  I miss my best friend and the person I planned a future with.  I want to be a team in the worst way and allow all the big decisions to work out through GOD's help and compromise with each other.  I was so selfish and that ignorance may have cost me everything, but at the VERY least I will have gained something out of this whole experience.... knowing myself.  My true, true self the way He intended.

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places." -Ernest Hemingway