on the bench.

Yesterday, I scheduled a doctor's appointment and since I am a new patient I have all of this patient history blah blah blah to fill out about myself before my visit next Thursday.  Most of the questions were generic and about cancer, depression, blood clots, and other weird stuff that is until I got to the last section.  The last bit was about me and my relationship status.  No, I am not kidding here folks.  I had an arrangement of boxes to choose: single, married, living with partner, etc. SINGLE  The next one asked for the name of my significant other and since there was no box present that said see above answer and I couldn't leave the field blank I had to type the number zero in place of this handsome prince I was supposed to be dating/married to/living with.  I mean really?!  Some other questions asked how many times I exercised in a week and if I was a smoker or seat belt wearer.  Why am I always reminded of my lack of relationship?  It's everywhere I turn.  When I talk to people from home or work it's always, "Are you seeing anyone?" or "Are you meeting up with anyone this weekend?"

Give a girl a break, would ya?

The worst part of the whole thing is when you know you have so much love inside to give to someone but the risk of wasting it all outweighs the pain of keeping it inside you.  When your heart is ready to spill, there are few things that can keep all of that from being poured out.  Makes me think of the Hoover Dam.  For being a very outspoken person, love is what I try to conceal.  Every time I let it out it never comes back to me, but that reason alone is not why we love others.  Whether that is a father so insane with love for his young daughter or a friendship with the potential to be so much more.  People love for so many reasons and either explode or implode with that same emotion. 

Vulnerability is what makes us be like turtles hiding in our shells, but if we stay with our heads in our shell we will one day wake up and realize we are in fact in the same place.  What changes to let us open ourselves to the possibility of feeling out on a ledge?  I am honestly not quite sure, but I think that is precisely the idea.  Sometimes when we can't think about something anymore we realize we just have to feel it instead.

Whether in the end we are left to pick up the pieces of something we trusted was real or not is entirely up to us.  Just like from the movie Little Black Book,"Question how does a girl who falls, no actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged?  Answer, she doesn't." 

I want to tumble down a rabbit hole and wake up with no recollection of the pain it took to get me there.

In the end, aren't we all looking for this.  As my favorite Sex and the City character stated, "I've done the merry-go-round, I've been through the revolving doors, I feel like I've met someone I can stand still with for a minute.  Don't you want to stand still with me?"

But until then,

Been searchin' all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm lookin' for
I'll know it
When I see you

Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Stayin' up all night just to write
A love song
For no one

- John Mayer



 
 
 

cosmic connection.

Within my whole being I believe there are connections that we make with others that form us. Whether these connections build us up or tear us down; that helps us to either build stronger walls or lower our guards. The human spirit is an uncontrollable thing to attempt to meddle with control and the very thought of that is impossible. Sometimes you can just be drawn to someone whether that is because you empathize with their situation or you feel in your fiber that you need to understand the deeper feeling.

I feel this way about my family in the purest sense. Of course they are the blood in my veins and the song within my heart, in fact, I've always said that my little sister is like my insides. There is nowhere I can go where she will not also be, because I think no matter the circumstance you take the best part of a person with you always.
The older I get and more I realize about myself the more I know that sometimes people come into your life just to make it messy. People damage your world so you can pick it up and turn that struggle for life into utter triumph. One of the purest emotions is complete despair and all its kinfolk. This despair can create a huge divot in your soul, but there will always be a purpose and another element that will come and relieve your pain. When all is lost, much will be gained, it just may have a little bit of a waiting time.
Love is one of the truest forms of cosmic connection that still exists. That magnetic feeling that no word can describe because somewhere in your history of being on this earth you have never experienced anything quite as magnificent. Love just may be the last shock and awe we can look forward to.
Our country still has prejudices and hatred for our fellow citizens, our economy is still tanked, our world is still infested with violence and ignorance, our planet is begging for rejuvenation and renewal. The only thing that could have the potential to cure our sickness is pure love, respect, and education.
We should all feel cosmically connected to the universe, made by a Man that poured out his insides just for us to not feel intertwined.