ya better shape up.

It is almost the new year and everyone knows what that means, new beginnings and new adventures.  I am usually not one to make resolutions for the new year, but I think this year I will be making an exception.  It is high time for me to start focusing on myself and shape up.  I am talking about physical, emotional, and spiritual renewal and rejuvenation.  Nothing can make you feel more alive than knowing you are strong in every aspect of your life.  Whether that's flexing your biceps or your spiritual muscles, I am ready to put myself completely first without doubt or justification. 

Life is a whirlwind of laughter, regret, tears,and pure joy so why not experience all of those things in the best version of one's self.  I let things get me down just like the next person, but I hereby refuse to let someone else's business cause me unnecessary pain.  This year I want to further discover more about myself, what I truly want from others, and what I want from myself.

It's time to eliminate processed foods, ugly thoughts, and negative energy and get ready to start climbing to the top of self purity and cleansing.

what you wanted isn't what you want?

Sometimes things come across our path for a reason and sometimes we try to put things into a mold and force the edges to fold when they never will.  What if what you thought you wanted isn't what you wanted at all?  Maybe you thought you wanted someone to do things with and have a relationship with, but when it all starts to fall together you secretly hope it all falls apart.  When to give up and when to give second chances?  When you know something is good for you it's easy to try to force yourself into that way of thinking whether it's giving up bad habits like quitting unhealthy relationships with people, male or female. 

All of this has got me thinking that sometimes it's easy to know what you should want, but more difficult to actually resign yourself into it...emotionally or physically.  Are we always trying to put a smile on and do what we should while clenching our teeth?  Are our hearts aching for something to feel real and oh so true while our brains are trying to show us something else? 

Maybe we need to go it alone and take the long road back to recovery without the help of someone else or at their expense.  I am still so broken to be acting so brave, I need to let my walls down but only after I'm strong enough to scale them.  My heart and mind are so uncertain of the same things, my insides are mangled with what I should feel and what I truly do.