restart.

Let me preface this by saying that this post is not to serve as a rant, but is written for every woman that has been lied to, denied feelings, or been pushed a side and overlooked by anyone. EVER.

Long drives for me are the best way to clear my head and really think over issues that may be lingering, so today when I found myself driving that is exactly what I did.  This weekend when I visited my sister I couldn't help but think it was exactly what I needed at the perfect time.  Going back to my college town always fills me with such joy, but this time was different.  The college years were when I found out more about myself than I could have ever imagined and made the most memories of my life.

Today while I was stuck on I-40 headed towards Nashville I was suddenly overcome with emotion.  I'm an emotional person yes and generally always express my feelings directly, but today I started to realize all the ones I have tried to cover up and push down.  The sound "Shake It Out" by Florence and the Machine was playing and that's when it started.  The lyrics are powerful and Florence Welch may be my secret lyrical twin sister, ginger and all.
Here are the words:

Regrets collect like old friendsHere to relive your darkest momentsI can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of fleshBut I like to keep somethings to myselfI like to keep my issues drawnIt's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been a fool and I've been blindI can never leave the past behindI can see no way, I can see no wayI'm always dragging that horse aroundAnd our love is pastured such a mournful soundTonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the groundSo I like to keep my issues drawnBut it's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahShake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaahAnd it's hard to dance with a devil on your backSo shake him off, oh woah
I am done with my graceless heartSo tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restartCause I like to keep my issues drawnIt's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahShake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahAnd it's hard to dance with a devil on your backSo shake him off, oh woahAnd it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off
And given half the chance would I take any of it backIt's a fine romance but its left me so undoneIt's always darkest before the dawn
Oh woah, oh woah...
And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don'tSo here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my roadAnd I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hopeIt's a shot in the dark and right at my throatCause looking for heaven, found the devil in meLooking for heaven, found the devil in meWell what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahShake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahAnd it's hard to dance with a devil on your backSo shake him off, oh woah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahShake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahAnd it's hard to dance with a devil on your backSo shake him off, oh woah

I would never say I am a person with regrets because I look at every experience as a learning one, but I do have some things that I regret saying.  Having not said these things to the person they belong to has forced me to carry them around and let them eat at me.  Just like the song says, "Every demon wants his pound of flesh", and that is exactly want has been happening for over two years now.  Yes, two years.  Not any of this was intentional, but it seems the saying "time heals all wounds" is incorrect.  Time only helps once problems are exposed and addressed.  I have somehow let the past follow me and "I'm always dragging that horse around...tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground".

All of these unsaid words and emotions that I have been sweeping under the carpet are starting to make a visible mound.  My heart is so closed because of these experiences that I thought would heal with time.  It's funny how that works, I moved almost 6 hours away and my problems still followed me.  "But it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, So shake him off".  This is for any woman who has been wronged and angry with herself for doing nothing about it.  Not saying anything, not acting on anger or disappointment, saying she's fine when she's dying inside, and for any woman who has not stood up for herself when she needed to.

This is for you, best friend since age two:  You betrayed me and let me down then failed to recognize that I was crying out for help because you hurt me.  No, I don't want to catch up or take your call on my birthday.  You lost the privledge to know about my life when you wronged me.  I do not wish you or the love child that was created harm, but I simply wish to disappear.  Don't call me to talk about old times and how we grew up together and remained close through college, please refrain.  The pain of what you did is just as great as losing my best friend.

And to you Mr. All Greek Military Man:  Not only did I allow you to string me along for two full years but I allowed you to disappoint me over and over again.  Your excuses were good and believable, perhaps that's why you played me because I bought them.  You crushed me over and over and somehow I always justified it.  Not anymore,  you are a sad person who is emotionally unavailable to everyone you meet.  What a sad way to exist....yes, you are a pretty sorry person. Because when all was said and done you really are pathetic.  I didn't imagine any of the things you told me or the feelings you said you had, yet somehow you made me seem like I dreamt it all.  Not even an ounce of me wishes you well, nope not even a little.  

Then there's you Mr. Empty Promises High Rise Midtown Man:  You were short lived in comparison, I praise GOD for that.  Not only were you incapable of making decisions on your own you were always also incapable of being a man.  Yes, that's right I came out and said it.  Go ahead and dog ear this on Google Reader.  You were a liar and a fraud, I should have believed my father when he told me you couldn't commit.  Not only did you ask if you could send flowers to your ex girlfriend on her birthday, but you also asked if I would choose another baby name for the invisible children we were supposed to have.  Kudos to you because you had me good.  I'm sure your whole "Where have you been all my life?" gig will last for a few more pitiful relationships.  Enjoy being lonely and having to explain your empty promises.

I know I sound bitter, but in reality this is my rant to expose the feelings I have tried so desperately to conceal for everyone including myself.  The wounds and scars seem to roll over in other ways and make me unable to trust people.  I don't believe in male soulmates any longer, because if there is such a thing it would be sister.  The only person who always has my well being at the forefront.  I'm sure many worry about me posting this for the world to see, but really who reads this blog anyways?  No one, expect maybe you.

"So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road."  Here's to me loving myself and burying this horse that I've been dragging around.  Here's to me working on losing that last 7 lbs, learning French, running a half marathon, and researching on where to start my Masters.  Here's to the women that have been sad and angry with themselves for accepting less than they deserve from others.  Here's to you for burying your own demons and learning to dance again.  Here's to starting new relationships with anyone, even yourself without the shadow of the past hanging over you.  Here's to learning to trust and see the good in people while still keeping a watch over your heart and who you give it to.  Here's to a restart.

Skinnier Chicken Taquitos

Skinnier Chicken Taquitos

prep time: 10 minutes     cook time:15-18 minutes     serves 5

You will need:

• 1/4 cup red onion chopped
• 1/2 cup tomato seeded and chopped
• 1/2 cup corn frozen and thawed
• 1/4 cup cilantro chopped (use less if you want, but I'm crazy about this stuff)
• 1 tablespoon your favorite salsa
• 1/2 cup nonfat Greek yogurt (you will think it's sour cream I promise)
• 1/2 cup jack cheese shredded
• 1 lb. boneless skinless chicken breast cooked and diced
•  1/4 tsp cumin, oregano, garlic powder, and cayenne
• 1/2 tsp chili powder
• 1 package small whole wheat tortillas (10) 

 *It may seem like a lot of ingredients, but most items if not all should be pantry staples.


Preheat oven to 400F and line a cookie sheet with aluminum foil.  Mix all ingredients together in a large bowl.  The mixture should be moist but still able to hold its shape.  It is important to seed the tomatoes but also to make sure there is no extra moisture from the thawed corn as well.  The Greek yogurt and cheese will act as a binding agent for all the ingredients.  The mixture should look something like this.  Tasty huh?

Once mixture is combined spoon a little over a tablespoon onto center of tortilla, roll up in the shape of a cigar and put seam side down onto cookie sheet that has been lined with foil.  Once you have prepared all taquitos, spray the tops with cooking spray.  This will ensure that the tops brown and get crispy while the filling melts.  Bake taquitos at 400F for 15-18 minutes or until tops are golden brown.

Once baking process is through, allow them to cool on the cookie sheet then enjoy!  Serve with your favorite salsa, sour cream, or even guacamole. I named these skinnier because they aren't low low in calories, but I used real wholesome ingredients and didn't sacrifice taste.  Many recipes call for cream cheese and over amounts of shredded cheese, but not these babies.

Here's the breakdown per serving, 2 taquitos:

Calories:  260 

Carbs:  27g

Fat:  8g

Protein:  35g

*Check out that protein count!  Awesome! Please remember the nutrition info is based on what I used, if you deviate the recipe expect different counts.  Also, this does not include the information for whatever you choose to top your taquitos with.  Enjoy and stay active! 

Weighing out my options

     I have never been someone that was ever physically huge, but that doesn't mean I have liked my body.  I was always bigger in the hips than my friends in college and just accepted it.  I always knew what styles of clothing I could and couldn't wear.  I would go shop at the store and love something, but knew I would never be able to wear it because I needed to hide a part of my body I hated.  Until recently I was truly unhappy with my body.

     I like to know the expectations in life and accept them.  My weight loss journey has been that way too.  Like I said earlier I have never been obese and I do not pretend to understand how that feels, but as a woman I know how it feels to be uncomfortable in your body.  I've always been fleshy through the hips and big in the thighs and no matter what I tried in the past to get rid of this problem it was always there.  I was never able to feel better about my problem areas, I just hid them or made jokes with my friends about it.  All of that ended a few weeks ago.

     As I said in my last post, I have been journeying to put things in perspective in more ways than one.  I have revitalized myself, my feelings, and my heart.  So why not work on my body too?!  Why don't I try to change the way I feel about my body so that I can represent the way I feel in my heart?!

     Well, you better believe I've been doing it.  Slowly but surely I have been able to manage my stress, adjust my sleep schedule, be besties with my treadmill, and even know what I am eating.  It is an amazing feeling to wake up and feel like you can tackle the world because you feel so put together.  I have tried working on my fitness before, but not like this.  Now I feel like I would be a disservice to myself if I didn't maintain myself this way.

     Since I left my job at Verizon Wireless it has been a huge change.  I am no longer so stressed to go to work, I have a set schedule, and I even like what I do.  I am not saying my new job is perfect, but considering where I was I feel like I have been given a break.  It is amazing how stress can take such a toll on your body and mine was suffering.  I think that in itself was a huge factor that changed my success with weight loss.

     Sleeping has always been an activity that I have loved.  Even as a child I always fell asleep in the car on trips and sleep on planes, so as an adult things did not change.  It is amazing though how when you are able to change your sleep patterns how much more rested you feel when you wake.  I feel like sleep directly correlates with stress, so two birds with one stone.

     When I bought my treadmill I knew I would use it, but little did I know that I would become infatuated.  I love being able to DVR my favorite tv shows then watch them while I am running or walking.  I also never knew I was the type of person to need a washrag while working out! Haha!  Makes me want to train for a half marathon or something crazy like that.  It started out as lets see if I can do 20 mins, now it's more like let's see how long it takes me to get to 4 miles.  What an awesome feeling!

     Lastly, I have been measuring my food and tracking what I eat.  I've read for years in numerous magazines that keeping a food journal helps I didn't really believe it.  All of this changed once I started doing it.  It's amazing how eye balling a cup of rice and measuring it look very different.  I've been using MyFitnessPal app for Android and I love it.  I can check calories wherever I am and add my own recipes.  I am not a crazy person about tracking my calories, but it is the easiest way to really see what you are eating and what you need to change.  Heck, I ate a piece of cheese pizza today at work and was like holy cow 260 calories, really!  It just makes you aware.

     I have lost nearly 12 pounds since I left Verizon a little over a month ago and I feel like a million bucks.  I have about 10 more pounds to go, but all in all my health comes first.  Its not about the weight really or even the clothes.  To me it's more about feeling so confident in my body that my insides show.  Since I've been tackling those emotional insecurities my body is the next natural change.  I'm not aiming to be extremely skinny, I love my curves way too much for that.  However, I am shooting for fit.

After all,  skinny people look good in clothes, fit people look good naked ;)

But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous

Carrie Bradshaw

Strong at the broken places

I have a hard time believing that it has been nearly a year since I was last on here, but here goes nothin...

Recently it seems like everything has been broken and reformed.  I truly mean that in every sense, my body, my emotions, and relationships have all been broken and shaped into something else.  All seemed to be perfect and ideal in my little world, population one.  That was until of course it wasn't so perfect anymore.  I hurt the person closest to me through things that would force even a hermit crab to never leave it's shell for a brighter home.  You can always tell when a person emotionally becomes unavailable to you and seems stoic, but I never dreamed that I was the reason.  It pangs me even now to believe that I could have been so rigid and demanding that he would shut himself off to protect himself from me.  This is something I didn't realize until it was too late.

God works wonders everyday and perhaps that is something I had long since forgotten until the very next day He spoke directly to me.  With my head and heart in a million different places, I still found myself in church.  It was instantly as the message was given that I realized at that particular moment everything that I had become and how it had affected every relationship in my life from the one I lost, the one I had with my family, and even the one I had with myself.  It was during the messages that the leader discussed climate in relationships and the two types of ways people choose to deal with conflict.  Well folks you have conflict enjoyers and conflict avoiders.  It was easy for me to see which category I was in and that my nature forced the other party into avoidance.  My rigidness, lack of thoughtfulness, and selfishness did this.  He also spoke about how GOD leverages conflict for a happy ending and that is something I can believe in.

The following week I was back in church so eager to hear the next steps and be one step further on my journey towards being my true self, the self GOD had intended.  This service was amazing and more beautiful than the last.  Jeff Henderson talked about HOPE and how that will change your heart.  He discussed the steps to changing the climate in your relationships and that climate dictates the forecast.  It's amazing how such a simple concept can mean so much.  Hope pushes negative climate out whether that's bitterness, pessimism, arrogance, or what not.  Those feelings keep hope from entering our heart and crowd our relationships.  Next he discussed the steps to finding hope and driving negativity out.  It was like a revelation spoken from him just for me to hear.

Expectations:  This is where it starts.  We always tend to see things with some kind of expectation and all have an idea of what we want things to look like, then reality sets in.  For me these expectations included me getting my way in nearly everything to the point it would be hard for an outsider to see that I was in a relationship with another person.  I had my vision of everything and somehow the expectation that I would not have to compromise....ridiculous, right?! Yeah, I see all that now.  That expectation I had quickly turned to suffering because I lost the person I thought would never waiver, even though I brought this reaction on myself.

Suffering:  This is when I realized how much pain I could emotionally endure.  It's when the bottom of my basket fell and everything seemed completely impossible.  The feeling of being miserable forever, never feeling whole, and ultimately living a bleak life.  Jeff discussed that this is when you must trust GOD and be honest with Him about how you feel.  The idea of trusting GOD is the thing that really made me realize what my struggle was.  I was so busy trying to manage my life on my terms that I forgot about His plan for me and selfishly discounted it.  This forced me to micro manage everything small and pointless in my life, so I could feel some sort of satisfaction from it.  This came out in all aspects of my life, and was ruining any hope of peace for me.

Perseverance: This is the step where Jeff mentioned to just, "do the next right thing".  This is where I am at now, not saying that I am not still suffering because of the choices I made and people I hurt, but I know this is the only way for me to let it go and be hopeful.  By doing the next right thing you are letting GOD lead you.

Character:  This is the step you see in every Bible story, EVER!  This is the "Then GOD" moment.  When GOD shows up, grows you up, or does His shaping in you.  After this point this is when hope comes.

Hope: This is the goal.  That you would have so much Hope in your heart, that there could never be enough room for negativity to wiggle it's way in.  Hope that you can lean on GOD because He can be trusted.

Interestingly enough I still have so much to express about this journey I have been on for three weeks now.  Last week Andy Stanley started a new series and I was a little confused by the warm up to it, then it happened.  That point when I saw things so clearly it must have been waiting for me to see it.  The series is on the Age of Kings which ultimately was about all the rulers of Judah and Israel during the Old Testament times.  He was addressing the fact that each king arm wrestled with GOD and refused to let Him lead them during their reign as king which became their downfall.  He discussed who we all get so wrapped up with independence that we forget that GOD calls those into submission not for His sake, but for ours.  What a beautiful idea?! That GOD would love you so much that He would remove that burden from you.  Obedience was also something he talked about and so it seems this ties in with my area of real struggle.  Andy also explained that GOD sacrificed Jesus to us, so why would we think he would not sacrifice our wealth, relationships, etc. to get our attention on this issue.  GOD is knocking at our door not because He can't blow the door down, but because He wants us to open it.

Needless to say this has hit me like a ton of bricks and that just by knowing all this I can and am able to be better.  I have really taken this all to heart and have been working on my listening skills, my kindness, saying my prayers for GOD to have His way, and to not worry.  I recently saw an Oprah interview with the rapper 50 Cent and he said something that made a lot of sense to me.  He said, "Pray or worry, but don't do both."  I must be so trusting of GOD and His plan that I need not worry.  Even thinking about my life and my beautiful blessings I can now through new eyes see the events.  My moving to Georgia was no accident because He removed me at the ideal time and even my new job.  None of this would have been possible while working in the stress laden environment I left.  What a magical thing!

I know this has been long and I apologize.  I didn't write this in the hopes of anyone reading it, I mainly wanted to document the words swimming in my brain.  GOD is making a change in my actions, my feelings, and my heart and I don't want to be unable to recall this information.  As for the relationships, my family love me completely unconditionally and that is a gift.  I am working to improve and correct all the time when things should have been better.  Now about the one I lost,  time will tell.  Things aren't over for me and I have really been using this time to repair myself, work on my actions, and pray.  I don't want to forget anything because my feelings have not changed, but I want us to get to know each other again.  I miss my best friend and the person I planned a future with.  I want to be a team in the worst way and allow all the big decisions to work out through GOD's help and compromise with each other.  I was so selfish and that ignorance may have cost me everything, but at the VERY least I will have gained something out of this whole experience.... knowing myself.  My true, true self the way He intended.

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places." -Ernest Hemingway

all in time.

What you are comes to you. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

This quote is exactly where I am right now, waiting for it to all come to me.  I am just going to try my best to set myself up for happiness in my career and wellness. 

Its back to working out and pushing it so I can feel like myself again.  Ever since the move things have been weird, but that's about to change.  I will still be cooking and recipe testing as I always am, but in moderation and with the addition of more regular exercise.  Life is way too beautiful to spend it unhappy in your shell.  I need my full confidence back, I call that the wonder woman feeling.

I am also considering a job/career change.  As much as I adore my sweet coworkers, I need something else.  Working in customer service/sales is so stressful it makes my brain spin.  Getting paid to be a doormat to a person's problem and anger makes for a really long day and I want my weekends back.  It would be awesome to have two days off a week that are the same as everyone else, including the boyfriend and family.  I have dreams about what  it would be like to go home to Tennessee on a long weekend or make breakfast for my sweetie on a Sunday.  I am also looking for something that will get me in the door with the potential for advancement.  I also would like to work into something with holiday time off too, that would make me so happy.  How wonderful would it be to go home for Christmas?  The whole idea makes me want to cry honestly. 

I am not going to get my hopes up but in the end everything works out the way it is supposed to, it always has and I have no reason to believe that that would change.  I am just going to put myself out there, keep my eyes open, and say my prayers that whatever should happen will.  In the meantime I plan to love my life, treasure the time I do have to spend with the ones I love, and go in the way of my dreams.

Part of me believes that if I can get a job that is less stressful and more routine, that I would be about to spend more time on all of my beloved side projects....knitting, cooking, sewing, blogging, writing my novella, and anything else I want to do.  Those are the things that pump blood in my heart, and I can't imagine my life being complete without those things.  I am at a transitional stage and ironically its starting to become fall. 

Ohhhh chhhhanges...

four months ish really...

I can not believe its been nearly four months since I have written.  It seems like this time has just gone by without my knowing but yet so much has happened.  Where to begin...

I finally moved into the new house.  Even though I am still fixing and decorating different parts of it the whole thing has been amazing.  It has been like a huge weight has been lifted off me and now I actually have room to spread my wings.  I have over double the space, the serenity of a peaceful neighborhood, and a place I can truly relish in.  My house is painted just how I want it and I am in the process of hanging the remaining items on the walls.  Chloe also loves the new place.  Its amazing how wonderful it is to see her relaxed and not stressfully scurrying around.  I know this will help with the management of her disease as well and I love that. 

Since the end of April I have also been able to cease with the online dating fiasco.  All in all I had a lovely experience only filled with some awkward dates here and there.  I honestly hadn't met anyone I could think about seeing regularly until I did.  There have been guys with priority issues, no chemistry, and even the occasional wrist watch watcher.  I have been dating the same guy now for almost two months.  I think it's been that long, as one can see my time perception is a bit out of whack, but that's my best estimation.  He is a complete doll and is easy to be around.  I look forward to seeing him at the end of my week when our schedules allow and often find myself missing him when I know better than to this early.

I have also done a bit of traveling since I last put my fingers to the keys.  I went with family to New York City at the end of May for a week and it was amazing.  I am completely mesmerized by that city and still have the ambition to live there on a temporary 1-3 year term.  I would love the experience of living in a city like that and don't even batt an eye at how daunting that could become.  I mainly just want to be able to attend Yankee games and Central Park on a regular basis, but who can blame me?  I also recently got back from a week long trip to St. Petersburg (Redington Shores) in Florida with my mom and Blaine.  My parents bought a "beach" house there in April and it is truly a haven.  I say "beach" house because it is not on the beach per say, but the beach instead is across the street, terrible locale I know.  I really needed a week to recharge and it was wonderful doing nothing but the beach and reading all day from underneath a massive umbrella.  We also lucked out because the Yankees were playing the Rays while we were there so we went to three out of four of the games in the series.  I had a blast.  The best part of all this is that I have my own key to the beach house and it is only about seven hours from ATL, making it the perfect trip to bliss.  My new sweetie and I will be enjoying Labor Day there and oddly enough my parents will be there as well.  Here's to a couples retreat...

I also celebrated my year anniversary of living in Atlanta on July 4th weekend.  It was bittersweet of course.  I don't regret my moving down here and away from everything I have ever known, but somewhere in the back of my heart I thought I would be in a different place.  It is hard to believe that nothing has changed yet everything has at the same time.  I don't know where I thought I would be or what I thought I would be doing but it never works out that way.  Sometimes I thank GOD that it isn't the way I imagined...where would I be if I relied solely on my mind and wisdom, probably up a creek with no paddle.

All the little things along the way that seem pointless really do mean something in the end.  Afterall, like I always try to tell myself, all the little things are really big things in disguise.  Maybe, I dreamt I would be working for a magazine going on exotic field trips across the globe and writing for my supper.  Although that's my dream and I know in the very core of my being that I will one day be so unhappy with everything not concerned with writing that it will eventually provide a life for me, that day has not come yet.  I have to learn more, experience more, see more, love more, then maybe the universe will kick me a bone.  It's ironic how things are kinda like that...like all those battered and agonizing relationships I put myself through maybe have shown me what I deserve and how much I can give a person.  Maybe it's too soon to think all that, but maybe going "balls to the walls" as my sister would say is the only way to discover new depths in my career, relationship, well being, and soul.  In the end, well I will let ya know.

Every wall is a door. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

grey area.

I see most things in black and white and absolutes, but not my relationships with people.  People can't just be lumped into two categories.  There is grey area involved.  I am talking about loving a person deeply regardless of everything else.  Whether that person gossips too much, is having a child with someone you used to care about, isn't always reliable, or has more baggage than you do.  It is easy to write people off and out of your life because things get messy or don't look like what you thought they would, but that is no reason to stop caring.  
Grey area is gross and can sometimes lead to pain.  Whether that is from standing up for something or from backing down, depending on the situation.  But if you look at things in a black and white telescope you may miss the shooting star.  There is no guarantee with anything, and who would want it that way?  People may hurt you and you may hurt others, but if everyone played it safe would there be anything worth risking for?

Friendship is precious and unlike anything else, because it forgives.  You can't escape the blood of your family, but the bonds of your friends that is something entirely different.  Friendship is not something you ask for but something that is given because that kind of love runs deeper and purer than any other kind.  This kind of love doesn't make you blind to wrong doing, but instead lets you choose to forgive and accept if you must.  Sometimes when you feel lost in yourself, a friend is there to pick you up and bring you back when you forgot how truly fabulous you were.  It's calling someone when you know they've had a bad day and not quitting when they say they're fine.  True friendship is laying in a soybean field with your friend and spilling your insides about issues you would dare to speak to anyone else.  Remember, a friend is someone who knows you're smiling even in the dark. 

So why throw those people away when they disappoint you in some way and don't fit into one of two categories?  The people you love are not disposable, they should be cherished, because of course it won't all go the way it should, but in the end the very center of our existence, now that's good. 

Then, circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

-John Mayer



 

 

on the bench.

Yesterday, I scheduled a doctor's appointment and since I am a new patient I have all of this patient history blah blah blah to fill out about myself before my visit next Thursday.  Most of the questions were generic and about cancer, depression, blood clots, and other weird stuff that is until I got to the last section.  The last bit was about me and my relationship status.  No, I am not kidding here folks.  I had an arrangement of boxes to choose: single, married, living with partner, etc. SINGLE  The next one asked for the name of my significant other and since there was no box present that said see above answer and I couldn't leave the field blank I had to type the number zero in place of this handsome prince I was supposed to be dating/married to/living with.  I mean really?!  Some other questions asked how many times I exercised in a week and if I was a smoker or seat belt wearer.  Why am I always reminded of my lack of relationship?  It's everywhere I turn.  When I talk to people from home or work it's always, "Are you seeing anyone?" or "Are you meeting up with anyone this weekend?"

Give a girl a break, would ya?

The worst part of the whole thing is when you know you have so much love inside to give to someone but the risk of wasting it all outweighs the pain of keeping it inside you.  When your heart is ready to spill, there are few things that can keep all of that from being poured out.  Makes me think of the Hoover Dam.  For being a very outspoken person, love is what I try to conceal.  Every time I let it out it never comes back to me, but that reason alone is not why we love others.  Whether that is a father so insane with love for his young daughter or a friendship with the potential to be so much more.  People love for so many reasons and either explode or implode with that same emotion. 

Vulnerability is what makes us be like turtles hiding in our shells, but if we stay with our heads in our shell we will one day wake up and realize we are in fact in the same place.  What changes to let us open ourselves to the possibility of feeling out on a ledge?  I am honestly not quite sure, but I think that is precisely the idea.  Sometimes when we can't think about something anymore we realize we just have to feel it instead.

Whether in the end we are left to pick up the pieces of something we trusted was real or not is entirely up to us.  Just like from the movie Little Black Book,"Question how does a girl who falls, no actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged?  Answer, she doesn't." 

I want to tumble down a rabbit hole and wake up with no recollection of the pain it took to get me there.

In the end, aren't we all looking for this.  As my favorite Sex and the City character stated, "I've done the merry-go-round, I've been through the revolving doors, I feel like I've met someone I can stand still with for a minute.  Don't you want to stand still with me?"

But until then,

Been searchin' all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm lookin' for
I'll know it
When I see you

Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Stayin' up all night just to write
A love song
For no one

- John Mayer



 
 
 

cosmic connection.

Within my whole being I believe there are connections that we make with others that form us. Whether these connections build us up or tear us down; that helps us to either build stronger walls or lower our guards. The human spirit is an uncontrollable thing to attempt to meddle with control and the very thought of that is impossible. Sometimes you can just be drawn to someone whether that is because you empathize with their situation or you feel in your fiber that you need to understand the deeper feeling.

I feel this way about my family in the purest sense. Of course they are the blood in my veins and the song within my heart, in fact, I've always said that my little sister is like my insides. There is nowhere I can go where she will not also be, because I think no matter the circumstance you take the best part of a person with you always.
The older I get and more I realize about myself the more I know that sometimes people come into your life just to make it messy. People damage your world so you can pick it up and turn that struggle for life into utter triumph. One of the purest emotions is complete despair and all its kinfolk. This despair can create a huge divot in your soul, but there will always be a purpose and another element that will come and relieve your pain. When all is lost, much will be gained, it just may have a little bit of a waiting time.
Love is one of the truest forms of cosmic connection that still exists. That magnetic feeling that no word can describe because somewhere in your history of being on this earth you have never experienced anything quite as magnificent. Love just may be the last shock and awe we can look forward to.
Our country still has prejudices and hatred for our fellow citizens, our economy is still tanked, our world is still infested with violence and ignorance, our planet is begging for rejuvenation and renewal. The only thing that could have the potential to cure our sickness is pure love, respect, and education.
We should all feel cosmically connected to the universe, made by a Man that poured out his insides just for us to not feel intertwined.

the girl with kaleidoscope eyes.

We are all dreamers in a certain sense and all have wishes of our own, but when we make our wishes where do they go?  Do they follow us or just dissappate into nothingness or do they become part of us?  Cinderella once said that a dream is a wish your heart makes.  Sometimes we bury things that bother us deep inside thinking that they will go away and never resurface, but to think so is absurd.  In many instances these things we run from eventually become our demise.  By avoiding we let ourselves become swallowed whole.  I mention dreams because it seems that we push the very things from our hearts that we need to let in or we let in the very things we should be pushing away in hopes a certain dream.  Whether that is a "perfect" relationship or a "perfect" job.  I say "perfect" because if anything was perfect and utopic in nature than would we all be searching...

However, not all that wander are indeed lost.  No matter the circumstance or situation every single moment and breath is with great purpose.  Every bit of being is in relationship to a large more stategic scale, every time we meet somebody new, experience joy or tragedy, push ourselves more than we thought possible, or trust with our eyes closed.  All of these things are because somewhere in our journey as a person they must happen in order for something else to occur.  It's just like the saying, "Sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can come together."

The balance in all of this is realizing what you want and being bold enough to go after it, whether you are alone in your decision or in a larger group, whether it simply affects you or others as well, whether it will be painful or utter bliss; you won't know until you get there.

See the world in technicolor through a kaleidoscope where every turn is a whole and new picture more beautiful than the last.  And when you get there, let me know because I'm sure all of your wishes have found you.

So dream the big dreams, do the unthinkable and listen to what your heart is trying to hide, and for heaven's sake make a few mistakes along the way.

In the words of Bob Dylan: 
May you build a ladder to the stars,
And climb on every rung

too much in my head.

We've had a good bit of snow and ice these past few days here in Atlanta, which means I haven't been to work and I've basically been a shut in for almost three days.  I am not complaining because it has been great to not have to work and relax for a while, but I have been suffering from cabin fever.  Not that I am used to going out and doing a bunch of things in my free time, but not being able to made me want to just drive around and get out of my teeny apartment.  I love living in this city, but we all realize I can be quite the home body.  I don't mean to, but it is truly weird to be in a big, busy place and feel completely alone.  Before you start thinking I am ridiculously pathetic, don't.  Since I've been stuck in the house due to the weather, I've been pondering more than usual. 

I hate feeling this way and having literally no friends other than my co-workers.  And while I admit that I adore the people I work with, they aren't exactly people I would do things with socially.  I miss my friends and all my fabulous sorority sisters, and I think it is finally starting to get to me.  I try to stay busy with work which shouldn't be hard, but I want more out of my life here in ATL.  One of the biggest drawbacks to working in retail is the weird hours and different schedule every week.  I think I am too much of a planner to do this forever, I like routine and yes I realize how lame that is to say.

I hope one of these days I can finally get out of my head and stop feeling unsatisfied with my personal life.  All of this is so foreign to me because the last four years I have been surrounded by more people than I knew what to do with, and now the exact opposite is happening.  It makes me wonder...how did I get here?  How did I get to this place when I thought this was what I wanted?  I thought I wanted a fresh start and part of me is glad to have had just that but the other fraction of myself is crying inside. 

I know all of this will change when I move out of the apartment and into the townhouse in a few months, so I am trying to be patient.  Once we close on the property next month I know I will stay busy with cleaning it up and painting everything, but until then I am just going to have to man up and manage.

In the words of sweet Taylor Swift whom I can not stand, "you're tied together with a smile, but you're coming undone."

all the love in the world.

Sometimes people hide their heart whether that is from their family, friends, or the opposite sex, but why?  Is it self preservation or self destruction?  Most argue that by containing their emotions and never revealing one's true self that they are able to maintain a sense of poise and control.  But I believe pure, consuming love is the exact opposite.  Love is the act of complete wrecklessness and is anything but selfish.  Afterall, just like Thomas Aquinas said, love takes up where knowledge leaves off.  That being said, let's start losing our minds and opening ourselves to the possibility of something foreign.

Of course with everything most of us are comfortable jsut staying in our small predictable circle where everything is orderly and has reason, but what's to be so afraid of?  Everything.  I am just like the next person, I am terrified at the thought of letting someone inside my head, let alone my heart.  The idea of someone knowing all your teeny tiny intricacies and loving you anyways sounds like utter bliss.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. - 1st John 4:18

Maybe we all spend so much time trying to protect ourselves that we forget what we should be doing with our feelings because by keeping all of that love in not only are we driving ourselves, but the world as well.

ya better shape up.

It is almost the new year and everyone knows what that means, new beginnings and new adventures.  I am usually not one to make resolutions for the new year, but I think this year I will be making an exception.  It is high time for me to start focusing on myself and shape up.  I am talking about physical, emotional, and spiritual renewal and rejuvenation.  Nothing can make you feel more alive than knowing you are strong in every aspect of your life.  Whether that's flexing your biceps or your spiritual muscles, I am ready to put myself completely first without doubt or justification. 

Life is a whirlwind of laughter, regret, tears,and pure joy so why not experience all of those things in the best version of one's self.  I let things get me down just like the next person, but I hereby refuse to let someone else's business cause me unnecessary pain.  This year I want to further discover more about myself, what I truly want from others, and what I want from myself.

It's time to eliminate processed foods, ugly thoughts, and negative energy and get ready to start climbing to the top of self purity and cleansing.

what you wanted isn't what you want?

Sometimes things come across our path for a reason and sometimes we try to put things into a mold and force the edges to fold when they never will.  What if what you thought you wanted isn't what you wanted at all?  Maybe you thought you wanted someone to do things with and have a relationship with, but when it all starts to fall together you secretly hope it all falls apart.  When to give up and when to give second chances?  When you know something is good for you it's easy to try to force yourself into that way of thinking whether it's giving up bad habits like quitting unhealthy relationships with people, male or female. 

All of this has got me thinking that sometimes it's easy to know what you should want, but more difficult to actually resign yourself into it...emotionally or physically.  Are we always trying to put a smile on and do what we should while clenching our teeth?  Are our hearts aching for something to feel real and oh so true while our brains are trying to show us something else? 

Maybe we need to go it alone and take the long road back to recovery without the help of someone else or at their expense.  I am still so broken to be acting so brave, I need to let my walls down but only after I'm strong enough to scale them.  My heart and mind are so uncertain of the same things, my insides are mangled with what I should feel and what I truly do.

great expectations?

There is nothing worse than people not living up to your own expectations, whether that is a family member, a friend, or some one you are romantically involved with.  Why is it so hard to accept things that disappoint us and just move on?  People let you down when you least expect it, but why is it so hard to look past everything and let go.  Are we all guilty of putting people on pedestals then get mad when they crumble to be just like everyone else? 

Probably the worst kinds of situations involving this are romantic relationships and close friendships, whether that's past or present.  People change and circumstances change, but how does that make the situation any better?  Just a hint, it doesn't.  Even if you know something was never supposed to work out or be the way you once thought, does that make it any easier to swallow? No, it sure doesn't.  Nothing is worse than trusting someone with your heart and inner self, just to have it repeatedly stepped on.  Do we ask too much of the people we trust or are we simply trusting the wrong people?  Are we creating patterns that can never be broken or are we simply tolerating less than what we deserve? 

Have we just been dating the same guy over and over or have we been tolerating so much of the same issues that it sets a pattern?  Who is to say for sure, but the one thing I do know is that one day in the future I will be able to break my pattern and not have to settle for less than what I know I deserve.  I deserve someone who is a gentleman, kind, articulate, intelligent, and loves me without strings.  Have we been over looking and justifying everything that we know deep down is a red flag or have we just had a run of bad luck?  No idea.

Are we projecting such factitious and great expectations upon the ones we get close to or are we meeting the wrong ones?  I think it's probably a combination of both.  By assuming someone will jump in and rescue you, you are inferring you need rescuing...ridiculous.

Life isn't a fairy tale, but we can all live happily ever after...even if we get disappointed along the way.

right where it hurts.

Tonight one of my co-workers ultimately made me feel stupid for moving away from everything I've ever known.  Essentially it was something to the effect of well how are you going to meet people?  There were other comments and I eventually walked away from the conversation feeling terrible.  I don't need some punk at work who doesn't even know me to tell me I'm all alone.  Part of me wanted to burst into tears while the other part of me wanted to round house kick him in the mouth. 

Do I regret moving to Atlanta?  Of course I do sometimes especially with Thanksgiving this week and my mom calling to ask me how I always brine the turkey the night before or what I put in my cranberry relish that makes it the best, but then I think about everything I've learned about myself and there is no other way I would be me without all those challenges.  I feel like 5 years worth of struggle has happened since July and I can't believe that I made it through all of that and came out on the oother side as a stronger more aware me.

There are many misconceptions about this whole experience and I want to clarify some of those.  Some of my friends think that it's easy to meet people in a new city when you don't know a single person, like that I must be out making friends at the club or a bar.  I'm sorry but when was the last time you met a semi decent person at either one of those places when they didn't actually come with you?  Not to mention I highly doubt meeting coy girls or trashy guys will deeply affect my life to my benefit.  I mean really?  Then there's the church/volunteering idea, while I think this is more promising than the bar concept, I work in retail.  This means that I never get weekends off, two days off in a row, and work evenings a lot of the time.  I could see myself volunteering at a pit bull rescue, but I can't even watch the ASPCA commercials without crying, so I'm pretty sure I'd open a dog pound in my apartment if I tried volunteering...awful idea.

I am not writing this to sound pathetic and pull the sympathy card, please do not misunderstand me.  I am saying all this so that the next time you think you understand, think again.  I know this seems like a big mess of complaining and I get that but I'm just trying to describe how I feel.  The pain of feeling alone is greater than most people realize.  I say that because our society as a whole can't handle being alone.  We are constantly seeking the attention of others and their compnay even if it means staying in an unhealthy relationship instead of being single for a while.  I use the word alone and not lonely because I love myself and for the most part know who I am, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't love to have friends to hang out with when I'm not working.  I don't want to be a work obsessed crazy person, but right now until something changes that seems like a nice thought.

So, even though my co-worker got me right where it hurts, I know that no matter what I am a strong, smart person who is determined to prove everyone wrong.

biology.

It seems ironic to me that as much as we as human try to detach from our biologic roots, the more we are actually mammals.  I know this probably sounds strange but I'm talking aobut real life here people.  For example, my younger sister called me earlier this evening because she's fighting with her beau and feels like he is pulling away.  Me being a deep thinker and slightly ridiculous, thought more about it.  Men pull away because it's survival and women cling for the exact same reason.  Sperm and cheap and eggs are expensive.

Yea, I know, it sounds weird again, but stop and think about it.  Sometimes, men seperate themselves from relationships because they are hard wired to move along and procreate and not attach to just one woman because if they did how would we have evolved out of the cave.  And of course this coin has another face, women attach because they have to in order to be good well rounded mothers.  Its like the reason why scientists say most women can multitask while men struggle.  In order for a woman in primitive society to be productive and organize a village, she had to raise children, sew, gather, and cook.  Can you imagine a man doing all that? That's what I thought.  Even our physical attraction to a person is biologically driven, for example men like big breasted and full through the hips.  Why is this?  Breast feeding children and childbirth.  Just like how woman are drawn to men with strong physiques, it's the same thing, survival of the species. 

As much as we try to escape biology and the needs of our body and brain we can't.  Just like how after sex a woman's brain releases chemicals telling her to attach and the man's does the opposite.  My dad always said when I was growing up that when it comes to sex guys always ask where? while gals are always asking why? 

We are constantly trying to decode the opposite sex, when maybe we need to look back through history and seek the root cause...the human body and darwinism.

not always what you think.

I am a planner, everyone knows that but sometimes things happen in your life and morph into something you never thought possible.  So what do you do?  Do you overlook the change and keep looking for what you thought would be there or do you adapt?  Darwinism would say that one must adapt in order to survive and I believe that's true.  John Lennon once said, "Map your life out, but use a pencil."

Sometimes a good decision at the time can in turn into something messy, but then on the same token a bad situation can morph into something that becomes incredible.  When I left Tennessee in search of something I was missing: independence, change, employment, and self determination I never thought that it would look the way it did.  My imagination got the best of me, I loved the idea so much that I overlooked all the other parts to my puzzle.  Many of us do the same thing with other scenarios and relationships. The whole thing was disastrous at first and I regretted everything about what I had left behind.  However, once I realized that I had to embrace all the change and stop looking for what I thought I would see, everything became clear.  Hindsight is always 20/20.

I can have it all, it just may not look the way I thought it would.  Once those rose colored glasses are off, everything is so transparent.  The perfect job, the perfect relationship, the perfect apartment, the perfect life. 

Do I have the perfect job? No, but it's perfect for this part of my life story and this particular chapter.  Am I in a perfect relationship?  No, but she's a pit bull terrier and lights up when I walk in the door.  Is my apartment perfect? No, but it's perfectly safe and in a nice location.  As for the last one, of course my life is not perfect but it's imperfect and that is perfection itself.

So, when you start seeing things for what they are and not what you thought they'd be the appreciation value goes up.  This applies with relationships too because when you are expecting a person to fit a certain mold and they don't it is all too easy to see the corners that don't match up instead of embracing the very thing that sets them apart.  It's like the first time your best friend dissappoints you, you can either toss them out when the rain comes or accept that flaw and love them anyway.  Snow Patrol said it best in You're All I Have on the Chasing Cars album, 

You're cinematic, razor sharp
A welcome arrow through the heart
Under your skin feels like home
Electric shocks on aching bones

That's it, imperfect becoming perfection in it's own way.  Once we wake our minds, eyes, and hearts to the truth and not what we thought the truth would be, it's all clear.

"Love the life you live, live the life you love." -Bob Marley

little things.

Happiness for me is in the simple things that end up mounding into a pile of big things.  I'm talking about crunchy leaves under your soles, fresh flowers, a wet nose to come home to, a home cooked meal, laughter, dancing around your apartment in your socks, a warm bubble bath, phone calls from loved ones, the smell of lavendar, an old picture, a glass of sangria, Christmas morning, singing like you are Aretha Franklin with your hairbrush, and all those other things you thought were unimportant.

I never want to be so determined to make it to the next corner that I forget to enjoy the street, but it seems many of us are always overlooking the little things.  Life is not a destination it's a journey, so let's start looking right in front of our eyes and not off in the distant hills.  The present is a gift afterall, that's why it's called a present.

like a john mayer song.

I want love, real consuming, impossible love; this I know for sure.  But how many dive into relationships and even marriage without understanding themselves or knowing what they really want.  I want to fall in love and be thrown into something I've never felt, but the fear of becoming like others I know is frightening.

I have a friend who got engaged and married in a short period of time (6 months ) and is now dating someone else because her marriage crumbled and she hopped along to the next guy within 2 short months.  Do I think she cares about this new guy?  Absolutely, that is not the issue.  I just worry that when something fails you have to look back at the situation, examine it, and learn to change your behavior to avoid that same problem from occurring again.  I am not trying to pass judgement, just saying that maybe time heals some wounds and allows your mind to be clear.

On the other hand, I have another friend who seems to have lost her own opinion and thoughts and replaced them with her soon to be husband's.  All of this seems foreign to me, partly because I understand what compromise is whether that is involvement in a romantic relationship or a close friendship, but I can not understand how selflessness can be replaced with nothingness.  I love this girl dearly, but my heart aches seeing her replace her feelings with someone else's especially before the marriage has even started.

I don't want either of these situations, not that there is anything wrong with either, just that they are not what I want for my life.  Elizabeth Cady Stanton once said, "self development is a higher duty than self sacrifice."  I think what she meant was that if you work on yourself and are the best version of yourself, then everything will work out without you having to give up on who you are or what you believe.  Like my idol Carrie Bradshaw said in the last episode of Sex and the City, "Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

Maybe by being the best me I will be able to give that to another person and perhaps they will love that version of me without wanting me to sacrifice so much of myself that I no longer recognize myself.  I feel like this can mean different things for different people but for me it means loving myself.  This includes being confident in the person I am in all aspects, physically and emotionally.

How do you give yourself to another person if you don't know who you are?  I just want my life to be like a John Mayer song; melodic, intoxicating, and meaningful.  He said it best...
You can't love too much, one part of it

I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me
 - John Mayer
Heavier Things, Wheel