restart.

Let me preface this by saying that this post is not to serve as a rant, but is written for every woman that has been lied to, denied feelings, or been pushed a side and overlooked by anyone. EVER.

Long drives for me are the best way to clear my head and really think over issues that may be lingering, so today when I found myself driving that is exactly what I did.  This weekend when I visited my sister I couldn't help but think it was exactly what I needed at the perfect time.  Going back to my college town always fills me with such joy, but this time was different.  The college years were when I found out more about myself than I could have ever imagined and made the most memories of my life.

Today while I was stuck on I-40 headed towards Nashville I was suddenly overcome with emotion.  I'm an emotional person yes and generally always express my feelings directly, but today I started to realize all the ones I have tried to cover up and push down.  The sound "Shake It Out" by Florence and the Machine was playing and that's when it started.  The lyrics are powerful and Florence Welch may be my secret lyrical twin sister, ginger and all.
Here are the words:

Regrets collect like old friendsHere to relive your darkest momentsI can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of fleshBut I like to keep somethings to myselfI like to keep my issues drawnIt's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been a fool and I've been blindI can never leave the past behindI can see no way, I can see no wayI'm always dragging that horse aroundAnd our love is pastured such a mournful soundTonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the groundSo I like to keep my issues drawnBut it's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahShake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaahAnd it's hard to dance with a devil on your backSo shake him off, oh woah
I am done with my graceless heartSo tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restartCause I like to keep my issues drawnIt's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahShake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahAnd it's hard to dance with a devil on your backSo shake him off, oh woahAnd it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off
And given half the chance would I take any of it backIt's a fine romance but its left me so undoneIt's always darkest before the dawn
Oh woah, oh woah...
And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don'tSo here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my roadAnd I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hopeIt's a shot in the dark and right at my throatCause looking for heaven, found the devil in meLooking for heaven, found the devil in meWell what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahShake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahAnd it's hard to dance with a devil on your backSo shake him off, oh woah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahShake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaahAnd it's hard to dance with a devil on your backSo shake him off, oh woah

I would never say I am a person with regrets because I look at every experience as a learning one, but I do have some things that I regret saying.  Having not said these things to the person they belong to has forced me to carry them around and let them eat at me.  Just like the song says, "Every demon wants his pound of flesh", and that is exactly want has been happening for over two years now.  Yes, two years.  Not any of this was intentional, but it seems the saying "time heals all wounds" is incorrect.  Time only helps once problems are exposed and addressed.  I have somehow let the past follow me and "I'm always dragging that horse around...tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground".

All of these unsaid words and emotions that I have been sweeping under the carpet are starting to make a visible mound.  My heart is so closed because of these experiences that I thought would heal with time.  It's funny how that works, I moved almost 6 hours away and my problems still followed me.  "But it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, So shake him off".  This is for any woman who has been wronged and angry with herself for doing nothing about it.  Not saying anything, not acting on anger or disappointment, saying she's fine when she's dying inside, and for any woman who has not stood up for herself when she needed to.

This is for you, best friend since age two:  You betrayed me and let me down then failed to recognize that I was crying out for help because you hurt me.  No, I don't want to catch up or take your call on my birthday.  You lost the privledge to know about my life when you wronged me.  I do not wish you or the love child that was created harm, but I simply wish to disappear.  Don't call me to talk about old times and how we grew up together and remained close through college, please refrain.  The pain of what you did is just as great as losing my best friend.

And to you Mr. All Greek Military Man:  Not only did I allow you to string me along for two full years but I allowed you to disappoint me over and over again.  Your excuses were good and believable, perhaps that's why you played me because I bought them.  You crushed me over and over and somehow I always justified it.  Not anymore,  you are a sad person who is emotionally unavailable to everyone you meet.  What a sad way to exist....yes, you are a pretty sorry person. Because when all was said and done you really are pathetic.  I didn't imagine any of the things you told me or the feelings you said you had, yet somehow you made me seem like I dreamt it all.  Not even an ounce of me wishes you well, nope not even a little.  

Then there's you Mr. Empty Promises High Rise Midtown Man:  You were short lived in comparison, I praise GOD for that.  Not only were you incapable of making decisions on your own you were always also incapable of being a man.  Yes, that's right I came out and said it.  Go ahead and dog ear this on Google Reader.  You were a liar and a fraud, I should have believed my father when he told me you couldn't commit.  Not only did you ask if you could send flowers to your ex girlfriend on her birthday, but you also asked if I would choose another baby name for the invisible children we were supposed to have.  Kudos to you because you had me good.  I'm sure your whole "Where have you been all my life?" gig will last for a few more pitiful relationships.  Enjoy being lonely and having to explain your empty promises.

I know I sound bitter, but in reality this is my rant to expose the feelings I have tried so desperately to conceal for everyone including myself.  The wounds and scars seem to roll over in other ways and make me unable to trust people.  I don't believe in male soulmates any longer, because if there is such a thing it would be sister.  The only person who always has my well being at the forefront.  I'm sure many worry about me posting this for the world to see, but really who reads this blog anyways?  No one, expect maybe you.

"So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road."  Here's to me loving myself and burying this horse that I've been dragging around.  Here's to me working on losing that last 7 lbs, learning French, running a half marathon, and researching on where to start my Masters.  Here's to the women that have been sad and angry with themselves for accepting less than they deserve from others.  Here's to you for burying your own demons and learning to dance again.  Here's to starting new relationships with anyone, even yourself without the shadow of the past hanging over you.  Here's to learning to trust and see the good in people while still keeping a watch over your heart and who you give it to.  Here's to a restart.

Skinnier Chicken Taquitos

Skinnier Chicken Taquitos

prep time: 10 minutes     cook time:15-18 minutes     serves 5

You will need:

• 1/4 cup red onion chopped
• 1/2 cup tomato seeded and chopped
• 1/2 cup corn frozen and thawed
• 1/4 cup cilantro chopped (use less if you want, but I'm crazy about this stuff)
• 1 tablespoon your favorite salsa
• 1/2 cup nonfat Greek yogurt (you will think it's sour cream I promise)
• 1/2 cup jack cheese shredded
• 1 lb. boneless skinless chicken breast cooked and diced
•  1/4 tsp cumin, oregano, garlic powder, and cayenne
• 1/2 tsp chili powder
• 1 package small whole wheat tortillas (10) 

 *It may seem like a lot of ingredients, but most items if not all should be pantry staples.


Preheat oven to 400F and line a cookie sheet with aluminum foil.  Mix all ingredients together in a large bowl.  The mixture should be moist but still able to hold its shape.  It is important to seed the tomatoes but also to make sure there is no extra moisture from the thawed corn as well.  The Greek yogurt and cheese will act as a binding agent for all the ingredients.  The mixture should look something like this.  Tasty huh?

Once mixture is combined spoon a little over a tablespoon onto center of tortilla, roll up in the shape of a cigar and put seam side down onto cookie sheet that has been lined with foil.  Once you have prepared all taquitos, spray the tops with cooking spray.  This will ensure that the tops brown and get crispy while the filling melts.  Bake taquitos at 400F for 15-18 minutes or until tops are golden brown.

Once baking process is through, allow them to cool on the cookie sheet then enjoy!  Serve with your favorite salsa, sour cream, or even guacamole. I named these skinnier because they aren't low low in calories, but I used real wholesome ingredients and didn't sacrifice taste.  Many recipes call for cream cheese and over amounts of shredded cheese, but not these babies.

Here's the breakdown per serving, 2 taquitos:

Calories:  260 

Carbs:  27g

Fat:  8g

Protein:  35g

*Check out that protein count!  Awesome! Please remember the nutrition info is based on what I used, if you deviate the recipe expect different counts.  Also, this does not include the information for whatever you choose to top your taquitos with.  Enjoy and stay active! 

Weighing out my options

     I have never been someone that was ever physically huge, but that doesn't mean I have liked my body.  I was always bigger in the hips than my friends in college and just accepted it.  I always knew what styles of clothing I could and couldn't wear.  I would go shop at the store and love something, but knew I would never be able to wear it because I needed to hide a part of my body I hated.  Until recently I was truly unhappy with my body.

     I like to know the expectations in life and accept them.  My weight loss journey has been that way too.  Like I said earlier I have never been obese and I do not pretend to understand how that feels, but as a woman I know how it feels to be uncomfortable in your body.  I've always been fleshy through the hips and big in the thighs and no matter what I tried in the past to get rid of this problem it was always there.  I was never able to feel better about my problem areas, I just hid them or made jokes with my friends about it.  All of that ended a few weeks ago.

     As I said in my last post, I have been journeying to put things in perspective in more ways than one.  I have revitalized myself, my feelings, and my heart.  So why not work on my body too?!  Why don't I try to change the way I feel about my body so that I can represent the way I feel in my heart?!

     Well, you better believe I've been doing it.  Slowly but surely I have been able to manage my stress, adjust my sleep schedule, be besties with my treadmill, and even know what I am eating.  It is an amazing feeling to wake up and feel like you can tackle the world because you feel so put together.  I have tried working on my fitness before, but not like this.  Now I feel like I would be a disservice to myself if I didn't maintain myself this way.

     Since I left my job at Verizon Wireless it has been a huge change.  I am no longer so stressed to go to work, I have a set schedule, and I even like what I do.  I am not saying my new job is perfect, but considering where I was I feel like I have been given a break.  It is amazing how stress can take such a toll on your body and mine was suffering.  I think that in itself was a huge factor that changed my success with weight loss.

     Sleeping has always been an activity that I have loved.  Even as a child I always fell asleep in the car on trips and sleep on planes, so as an adult things did not change.  It is amazing though how when you are able to change your sleep patterns how much more rested you feel when you wake.  I feel like sleep directly correlates with stress, so two birds with one stone.

     When I bought my treadmill I knew I would use it, but little did I know that I would become infatuated.  I love being able to DVR my favorite tv shows then watch them while I am running or walking.  I also never knew I was the type of person to need a washrag while working out! Haha!  Makes me want to train for a half marathon or something crazy like that.  It started out as lets see if I can do 20 mins, now it's more like let's see how long it takes me to get to 4 miles.  What an awesome feeling!

     Lastly, I have been measuring my food and tracking what I eat.  I've read for years in numerous magazines that keeping a food journal helps I didn't really believe it.  All of this changed once I started doing it.  It's amazing how eye balling a cup of rice and measuring it look very different.  I've been using MyFitnessPal app for Android and I love it.  I can check calories wherever I am and add my own recipes.  I am not a crazy person about tracking my calories, but it is the easiest way to really see what you are eating and what you need to change.  Heck, I ate a piece of cheese pizza today at work and was like holy cow 260 calories, really!  It just makes you aware.

     I have lost nearly 12 pounds since I left Verizon a little over a month ago and I feel like a million bucks.  I have about 10 more pounds to go, but all in all my health comes first.  Its not about the weight really or even the clothes.  To me it's more about feeling so confident in my body that my insides show.  Since I've been tackling those emotional insecurities my body is the next natural change.  I'm not aiming to be extremely skinny, I love my curves way too much for that.  However, I am shooting for fit.

After all,  skinny people look good in clothes, fit people look good naked ;)

But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous

Carrie Bradshaw